Some Funnies

[US6]

"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair'.......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro. I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in. He complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free,until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

[Lynn Eades]

Somehow it makes me think of a Jetstar flight from Perth to Sydney last year.

[gordon]

Marmite spill causing massive traffic jams on M1 to be awarded 'Most British Accident Ever' award.






-------------------------------------

Best Twitter comment this week

[Richard Coutts-Smith]

Marmite Spill Here:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...=feeds-newsxml


'20 tonnes of Marmite spilled on M1 , suppose they've got to get rid of it somewhere.'

Rich.

[Lang]

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[gordon]

Marmite found to be very corrosive - the M1 is now toast .....

[Little Jo]

To all my MLU friends….

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving . As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it. A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many REDS as well a heap of beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before – I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven one before.

Cheers

Tony

[Keith Webb]

...From the bits and pieces site:

[lynx42]

You know you're Australian if ...

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal
such as watering the garden.

* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way toMaccas.'

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'and "Living next door to Alice".

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel hasbecome smaller
with every passing year.

* You wear ugg boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude,
While 'scuse me' is always polite.

* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o : arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.

* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss.
But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet
- to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.

* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You understand what "no wucking furries" means.

* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.

* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good asbarra. Or a meat pie.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.

[Keith Webb]

I must not be a true Australian. This is a dreadful aberration.

* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

It's more like "Melb'n". 'Mel-bin' is a Hollywood approximation.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga'

It can also be called 2 wogs.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

That may have been the case before they were made with plastic covers.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.

Not when the current PM says it. (See point 1).

You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

NOT.

[lynx42]

Please find below a few suggestions for fixing Australia 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....and there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.


It can't get any easier than that!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Telephone survey...

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Canada, we all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.

[Howard]

Much better than sharing a Coke with "Wayne"!

[lynx42]

Dirty Rabbit

A while ago while lying in my hammock in my back yard and drinking an ice cold VB, I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence.

Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbour's 9year old daughter's rabbit.

For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it, hold in depth conversations with it and play with it in the
yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so Iwashed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.

Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".

Back to the hammock and another cold one!.

Within the hour the neighbour's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped thelittle girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time
she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, his young daughter in tears stood looking at the cage.

Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there wasanything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick friggin mongrel would digup a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

Yah know, sometimes you just can't win with the neighbours.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

>
>
> An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the casino. She seemed a
> little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand Euros on a single roll of the
> dice.
>
> She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
> completely nude'.
>
> With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
> Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
>
> As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
> squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
>
> She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
> clothes and quickly departed.
>
> The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
> asked, 'What did she roll?'
>
> The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
>
> MORAL OF THE STORY:
>
> Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
> but all men...are men.
>
>

[aj.lec]

An early update regarding Christmas in our nation's capital for 2011
I wanted to leak the story early so everyone fully understands.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Canberra this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the Australian Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[aj.lec]

Bracelet at Harrods.


A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little ‘oops’ and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well


Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'


He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

[gjamo]

I'm training him to be a 'retriever' but having a little trouble getting him to bring
the pig back to me - - - and I'm not about to kick his arse......Good Dog.

Pic taken Gove Northern Territory

I just had a message from Jarrod in Darwin he tells me that this pic is taken in Africa . Will teach me to double check incoming messages more closely.
Graeme

[Darrell Zinck]

Hiya

With just hours to go I finally got out Christmas tree up. Whew!!

I just love the smell of Pine!!!

regards
Darrell

[Keith Webb]

I saw the first one discarded outside a house last night... Christmas Eve.
I suspect the owners have gone away and did their gift-giving yesterday.

[Darrell Zinck]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

.....I suspect the owners have gone away and did their gift-giving yesterday....

Best to kick down the front door and check that then, eh?

Nothing like advertising you're away!!!

I'm very much a "Lights on timers, Car in driveway, under-feed the Guard Fish"-type guy.

regards
Darrell

[Luke R]

Christmas cracker jokes have always not been the best, but they didnt have a clue with this one.

[hrpearce]

Originally Posted by Luke R

Christmas cracker jokes have always not been the best, but they didnt have a clue with this one.

That writer must have missed anatomy class at school.
A while back a friend was visiting with his todler daughter, he said look at the bulls, her reply daddy bull mummy bull and baby bull, he turned to me and said city kid.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by lynx42

You know you're Australian if ...
* You wear ugg boots outside the house.

Oh, so they are real Australian Sheila's slogging about the streets here!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Canadian Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
I looked like a friggin idiot on the bus this morning!

[lynx42]

BLONDE are we???

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/video/world...-27794164.html

[Keith Webb]

Another gem from Bits and Pieces.

[Lang]

WARNING: OLDER MEN SCAM

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, BJ's, and even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also November 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 20th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for$2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

Please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon)

[Little Jo]

Italian Alter Boys Confession


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'