Some Funnies

[Lynn Eades]

Is a "Ranga" a "Ginga"?

[Howard]

Ranga.. as in.. Ranga-Tan

[aj.lec]

Originally Posted by Lynn Eades

Is a "Ranga" a "Ginga"?

A Welsh born one at that

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Howard

Australia is currently being led by a 'Ranga!
Enough said.

And I used to be attracted by redheads.

At least it's the colour of her politics. As someone said on the wireless the other day: Same fleas, different dog.

Here's a nice poster made by my editor to celebrate her bloody ascendency:

[aj.lec]

TWO LADIES TALKING IN HEAVEN


1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exh au sted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

This just in, from a respectable source:

Subject: Suicide Bombers to go on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with al-Qaida have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when al-Qaida announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, al-Qaida chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but al-Qaida is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales, and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball

This just in, from a respectable source:

Very funny indeed . . .

[lynx42]

Subject: Women's Restroom



When you have to visit a public washroom, you
usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check
for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.


Finally, a door opens and you dash in,

nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall..



You get in to find the door won't latch. It

doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum , no
doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if
there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it
around your neck, ( Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the
FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'


In this position your aging, toneless thigh

muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't
taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The
Stance.'


To take your mind off your trembling

thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper
dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if
you had tried to clean the seat, you would haveKNOWNthere was no toilet
paper!' Your thighs shake more.


You remember the tiny tissue that you blew

your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the
purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle
yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the
puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail


Someone pushes your door open because the

latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your
neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against
the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door,
dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose
your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .. It
is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your
bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was
any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be
utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never
touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW
what kind of diseases you could get.'


By this time, the automatic sensor on the

back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of
water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine
mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your
shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab
onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.


At this point, you give up. You're soaked

by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to
wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out
inconspicuously to the sinks.


You can't figure out how to operate the

faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a
dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.


You are no longer able to smile politely to

them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
yank
the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her
warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'


As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has

long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he
asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your
neck?'


This is dedicated to women everywhere who

deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It
finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also
answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the
restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your
purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

[Keith Webb]

This is probably nsfw but funny anyway...

http://shop.moderntoss.com/?q=swearing

I did have the large version posted but I think it requires user discretion to look at it - there is some powerful language there.

[aj.lec]

They walk amongst us !!!

[aj.lec]

Engineering...Railway Tracks to Space Shuttles

Railroad tracks.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.


Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.


Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah


The
Engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

[Ganmain Tony]

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlessinger said that, as an observant Orthodox
Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be
condoned under any circumstance.

The following response is an open letter to Dr Laura, penned by a US resident,
which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dr Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's
Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have
tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim
the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or
should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't
agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? Should I smite
him?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect
in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to
be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should
they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a
lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole
town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death
at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?
(Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D.
Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction and Special
Education University of Virginia

P.S. It would be a damn shame if we can't own a Canadian

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

They walk amongst us !!!

Jeez you guys...your wimmen must be pretty bored to be doing this...
Next thing they will be gluing Vegemite bottles to them selves..which in this case would make her a lot more appealing..
You guys gotta stop fooling around with those rusty old trucks and start fooling around with your wigglies instead...
IMHO

http://www.torontosun.com/news/weird.../14854576.html

[aj.lec]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Jeez you guys...your wimmen must be pretty bored to be doing this...
Next thing they will be gluing Vegemite bottles to them selves..which in this case would make her a lot more appealing..
You guys gotta stop fooling around with those rusty old trucks and start fooling around with your wigglies instead...
IMHO

http://www.torontosun.com/news/weird.../14854576.html

We look after them
Just when they go overseas (article showed she was in Sao Paulo)they get bored from lack of action and start trying to turn themselves into echidnas

Quote "Artist Lucy McRae of Australia poses after she glued safety pins on part of her body during the 'Rojo Nova work in progress' at the Museum of Image and Sound in Sao Paulo July 27, 2010. (REUTERS)

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

We look after them
Just when they go overseas (article showed she was in Sao Paulo)they get bored from lack of action and start trying to turn themselves into echidnas

Quote "Artist Lucy McRae of Australia poses after she glued safety pins on part of her body during the 'Rojo Nova work in progress' at the Museum of Image and Sound in Sao Paulo July 27, 2010. (REUTERS)

Andrew..
I'm glad you pointed that out...I missed it...
She probably got into some of that South American "Electric Lettuce",that sure as hell doesn't enhance her looks..but fries her brain at warp speed..
Better get her back to reality..like lots of beer..Barbies...Great Whites..Caine Toads...Redbacks...sun ..wind and Vegemite...

I'm sure most of you lads could straighten her out;...maybe even get her a Blitz to tool around in ..Now that WOULD be artistic...

Have to keep better track of your wigglies...
If too many of them get away the sheep will get nervous as hell..

Next they will want the chain off their leg to the bed...

[Howard]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

...Next thing they will be gluing Vegemite bottles to them selves..which in this case would make her a lot more appealing...

Something like this?
Behold! Vegemite wrestling!

[aj.lec]

Finally, someone
has managed to photograph the
pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!

[aj.lec]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.
So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is .....

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is.......

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....


(scroll down)



NO, The duck didn't say THAT



.... Don't be SO disgusting!


The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!

[aj.lec]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE VERY SAME REASON!!!!!!!!

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by aj.lec

Finally, someone
has managed to photograph the
pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!

You know the old saying....."where theres muck, theres money"

[Richard Coutts-Smith]

This would explain the taste ......

"This is a real sign, real advertising... BIG SPELLING MISTAKE!
Billboard on cnr Beaudesert and Granard Rds, Rocklea, Qld. Australia. Live Local? Check it out! Its becoming a tourist attraction with the locals and Brisbanites alike!! "

Rich

[hrpearce]

Richard, maybe it's a twisted way of saying the burgers are made with prime rump steak

[Kuno]

Recently in Bristol / UK:

[Ganmain Tony]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India, formerly known as Australia .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia 's third language

Kookaburra plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica ... No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported into the USA legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 4532 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.







I Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares Me!

[aj.lec]

The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

‘Janie, do you have a story to share?'


''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

“Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[Keith Orpin]

I like this one !

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress,"
she explained." It excites him to no end every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for
her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

[lynx42]

Subject: FW: Paddy Murphy's Babies!
>
> Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.
> Upon arriving, the Nurse says
> 'Congratulations, your wife has had quins - 5 big baby boys.
> ' Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a Willie on me like a
> chimney.
> ' The nurse replies,
> 'You'd need to get it cleaned because the babies are all black.'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Funny as hell...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvo9-UA1HD8
Enjoy..

[Howard]

Gentlemen,
Here is your chance to test your powers of concentration!
Don't let the little things distract you!
I want 3 out of 3 from all of you!!!

[RHClarke]

Originally Posted by Howard

Gentlemen,Here is your chance to test your powers of concentration!Don't let the little things distract you! I want 3 out of 3 from all of you!!!

Impossible!