Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.



After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming and ranting madly. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.



"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up asked . . . . "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[Mike Kelly]

The power of prayer





A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.

He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.



After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,

"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"

[colin jones]

Colin.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

This is really sad..


Oops! Forklift drops wine container, smashing Australian shiraz worth $1 million
The Canadian PressBy The Associated Press | The Canadian Press – 9 hours ago

ADELAIDE, Australia - An unsteady forklift dropped a container full of fine Australian wine worth more than $1 million, smashing most of the bottles. The winemaker says he's "gut-wrenched, shocked and numb" after the loss of his flagship shiraz.

Sparky Marquis of Mollydooker Wines lost a third of his Velvet Glove Shiraz production after the accident that destroyed all but one of the 462 cases bound for the United States. Each bottle of the Mollydooker wine sells for $200.

Marquis said Friday that when workers opened up the dropped container, "it was like a murder scene. There was red everywhere."

He said the wine was fully insured.

The accident has crippled Mollydooker's U.S. launch in September. It will also impact the wine market in Australia.

[Harry Moon]

I went out the other night for German food. I thought it was a lot like Chinese food and sure enough 2 hours later I was hungry for Power!

[Harry Moon]

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed6...r-first-period

I thought it was about Hockey!

[Ganmain Tony]

Originally Posted by Harry Moon

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed6...r-first-period

I thought it was about Hockey!

Well done Harry...

[hrpearce]

That last line is a beauty

[DaveCox]

Originally Posted by Harry Moon

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ed6...r-first-period

I thought it was about Hockey!

Excellent, haven't laughed that hard for years!

[aj.lec]

HOLY SOAP!
>
> Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
>
> They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no
> soap.
>
> Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
> to dress.
>
> He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the
> hall when
> he sees three nuns heading his way..
>
> Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's
> a
> statue.
>
> The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
> The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
> Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
>
> "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
>
> To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
> Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
>
> Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and
> three times but nothing happens.
>
> So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
>
> "Holy Mary, Mother of God,
> HAND LOTION TOO!
>

[Howard]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Harry Moon]

Originally Posted by DaveCox

Excellent, haven't laughed that hard for years!

I don't forward much but that had me in tears and i can just see it happening for real. occasionally i ride the skytrain downtown and back and it is amazing what people will talk about into their cell phones to everyone's (who isn't plugged into something) amusement.

[Darrell Zinck]

Phil's scrotum
The Best Story of the Year:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want
to tell my wife the word is sternum."


regards
Phi.......err.......Darrell

[aj.lec]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football
or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this..
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

[aj.lec]

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked
as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia ..

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

[lynx42]

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Julia Gillard called Kevin Rudd into her office one day and said "Kevin, I have a
great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters"..

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Kevin.

"Well", said Gillard, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM
Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll
really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we
really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Kevin.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from
Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they
were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked in with the dog and
up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Gillard to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Rudd and Gillard stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding
now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at
their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old
stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail
with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the
other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He
walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and
went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and
lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the
dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar
with two arseholes"...

[lynx42]

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once
more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing??
The prostitute replies, 'Well, Pops, you're doing about three knots.
Three knots? he asks. What's that supposed to mean?
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back!'

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use as his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"...
This time, a little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first FUC*ING time! I'm putting my shoes on!"

[lynx42]

Coming soon to your military hospitals around the world!

The Prostate Exam:
[]
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment
of a prostate test by the British National Health Service,
a guy decided to have this next test carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Moral: Don't have this procedure done in San Francisco !

[cliff]

guys some of these jokes are getting very very borderline for this site. Please try and be a bit more conservative with your jokes!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by cliff

guys some of these jokes are getting very very borderline for this site. Please try and be a bit more conservative with your jokes!

Cliff..
As I post a few jokes now and then ,just what parts of the jokes do YOU consider borderline..??
Content..??
Topics..??
#&@*^(#...???
I would not care to suggest that we stop our jokes..even the so called "Off Colour" jokes..
Racial jokes are not my bag..
Poking fun at Keefy ....Is that allowed..??
So what is offensive to you..??
I have seen nothing here that hasn't been repeated in forums..bars..clubs..of all sorts..
What is funny in some country's is very sensitive in other country's..
I am aware of what may be funny to our German members is deadly serious to our Dutch friends and have seen very few of that type of jokes in all the years that I have been posting and other that Sean I have been posting here longer that anyone..being the third posting after Jif, Sean and then me on opening day of the forum..
Hanno is very good at toning down the content but is on Holidays so please do the good job of moderating the forum that you have been doing in the past but be more specific in your comments..or PM the culprit with your concerns.
Respectfully..
MLU forum member#3

[cliff]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Cliff..
As I post a few jokes now and then ,just what parts of the jokes do YOU consider borderline..??
Content..??
Topics..??
#&@*^(#...???
I would not care to suggest that we stop our jokes..even the so called "Off Colour" jokes..
Racial jokes are not my bag..
Poking fun at Keefy ....Is that allowed..??
So what is offensive to you..??
I have seen nothing here that hasn't been repeated in forums..bars..clubs..of all sorts..
What is funny in some country's is very sensitive in other country's..
I am aware of what may be funny to our German members is deadly serious to our Dutch friends and have seen very few of that type of jokes in all the years that I have been posting and other that Sean I have been posting here longer that anyone..being the third posting after Jif, Sean and then me on opening day of the forum..
Hanno is very good at toning down the content but is on Holidays so please do the good job of moderating the forum that you have been doing in the past but be more specific in your comments..or PM the culprit with your concerns.
Respectfully..
MLU forum member#3

Alex I concider this site a family site so feel that jokes of a blatant sexual nature even if 'termed' correctly are pushing the limit, and no I am not a prude!. Swearing (F and C word) I will edit out leaving the joke still laughable but anything racial I will delete ,but leave a message on line why it was deleted as well as send the originator a PM as well as post asking members to be carefull of what they post in the way of jokes.

I am NOT trying to spoil anyone's fun either so unless Keefy complains....... I think you understand

Note: as of yet I have not deleted anything I have felt to be borderline or offensive except for a few double posts but I will if it warrents it in future

Alex a question for "#3" member. If it was Hanno, who has cautioned in this forum before about being borderline, who posted the caution would you have questioned it?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Alex a question for "#3" member. If it was Hanno, who has cautioned in this forum before about being borderline, who posted the caution would you have questioned it?
__________________
Cliff
Of course..
As a moderator you have a responsibility to edit out any posting that would not be in at least good taste around the shop full of drunken CMP, tin beaters..
So given that responsibility,or should I say "Having volunteered for "that responsibility ,it is also your duty to enforce the rules,whatever they may be..
That we all understand ,and In my estimation ,you are perfectly with in your rights to caution the forum..or at least remind the members to Keep it at least somewhat civil..

Would the odd descriptive adjective with a wild card in it to indicate a missing letter that would complete the spelling of an offensive or objectionable word pass muster..ie. FU*K...or would %$##*^%$@ be more acceptable..??

And what is acceptable to you. does that reach consensus with the other moderators or members at large.??

When you made the original posting about objectionable postings,one should state what is or isn't objectionable and clarify your posting..
That is all I was getting at..
As for a family site..maybe we should rate it PG14...
But then we are opening up a whole bag of worms...MLU forum..XXX rated..??
Geez..that would be a stretch..
So as long as you are clear I believe that we can keep this forum going with out the dreaded word
CENSORSHIP....

[hrpearce]

Alex MLU is censored, it can not be accessed on school computers because it has the word GUN in its pages so when Greg wanted to access MLU for a history asignment he needed a teachers overide to get in.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Alex MLU is censored, it can not be accessed on school computers because it has the word GUN in its pages so when Greg wanted to access MLU for a history assignment he needed a teachers override to get in.

HR..
Didn't know that..Canada may do that too in the schools..Haven't been in one for 200 Years ,but seem sensible..my wife was a teacher and they would put the kids in detention just for one kid pointing his finger at another and saying "bang"..
[I]/I]instantly..

Cliffy is right to edit out offensive words in postings unless it changes the jist of the posting..
We got some pretty gross people on line..
That is the moderators job..
But taking it too far either way will get more than one reaction..

[cliff]

Alex if you or others reading these jokes cannot see the reason for me reminding posters that this is a family site by reading the few jokes posted just before the reminder then you should not laugh at them!

As to checking with other moderators first I am sure they would PM me off line asking what is up if they did not approve of my moderating style! plus this defeats the the task of been able to moderate instantly so you may as well have only 1 moderator.

As to giving long winded explainations to any moderating done as a volunteer I have only a certain amount of time and I don't think any member of this forum is so dim witted not to see my reasoning.

As to taking things too far I concider now this subject (my moderating) has gone far enough and I will not reply again!

Do you F**King understand?

PS> I laughed at the jokes concerned but did concider them better suited to a drunken party with folk who have RAT syndrome rather then posted on a family site.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second biker walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's coffee and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid his bill and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[Howard]

Gentlemen,
Thank you for your discussion, which I, for one, would like to consider now "closed". I, too, have been cautioned by a moderator when a joke has pushed the boundary... Let's move on & bring this thread back to what it's intention was... to bring a grin to the lips, and spread a little fun. THAT is a big part of what this forum is all about!

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

South Australian border guards have been notified in case the raid is this way. Be warned.

Bob