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  #91  
Old 20-11-07, 05:40
Jordan Baker's Avatar
Jordan Baker Jordan Baker is offline
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Default

Leopard Tank does a "pitstop"

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zl6uaq7DTdg&feature=related
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  #92  
Old 21-11-07, 11:41
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Talking Thoughts...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like ......night? ?
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember,half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
9. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
10. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
11. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
12. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
13. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened
14. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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  #93  
Old 24-11-07, 21:23
Keith Webb's Avatar
Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Default A timely joke

Quote:
Howard the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers called 'pullets' and eight or ten cockerels, whose job it was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any cockerel that didn't perform went into the pot and was replaced. This took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his cockerels.

Each bell had a different tone so Howard could tell from a distance, which cockerel was performing so now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite cockerel was Kevin and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Howard noticed Kevin's bell hadn't rung at all, so he went to investigate.

All the other cockerels were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.

The pullets, hearing the cockerels coming, would run for cover but, to farmer Howard's amazement, Kevin had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Howard was so proud of Kevin, he entered him in the Ganmain Fair and Kevin became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was that the judges not only awarded Kevin the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Kevin was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Kevin?
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  #94  
Old 25-11-07, 13:21
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Default

Excellent Keith, Just Excellent.
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  #95  
Old 25-11-07, 13:29
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Default Pulliticians

I must admit it was one I adapted from a British joke... but I thought it was funny too.
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  #96  
Old 27-11-07, 14:15
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Default For you Ozzie pussy lovers..

Nov 27, 2007 04:49 ET
What's new pussycat?
Train your cat to use a human toilet and bin the litter tray

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA--(Marketwire - Nov. 27, 2007) - Get ready to pounce on a new training system from Australia that is set to revolutionise the way we live with cats. Say goodbye to smelly, messy litter trays as Tiddles could be using your toilet in just 8 weeks. It may sound potty but Litter Kwitter is the purrfect alternative to returning home after a long day to the stench of a soiled & soaking litter tray.

The unhygienic litter tray is one of the few downsides of cat ownership. By digging around in litter your cat covers their paws with waste then tracks it through your home, on pillows, worktops and laps. And keeping other pets and small children away from the litter tray is also a big problem.

But there is no need to use a litter tray at all when the perfect waste disposal facility is already installed in your home. The toilet was designed specifically for flushing away waste in the most hygienic way possible so why not let the whole family use it?

When your cat is fully trained you will never need to buy litter again - which is great news as it's estimated an average cat owner will spend Pounds Sterling 2,000 on litter over ten years. So that's more money in your purse and less litter in landfill - about 500 kilos less environmental waste over the life of an average cat!

Litter Kwitter's simple three-stage approach to training actually builds on a cat's natural desire to hide the smell of their waste from predators so they will be happy to use the toilet.

It is innovative yet easy to use with colour-coded discs that fit on to a special seat on your toilet. Start with the red disc, then progress to the amber disc which has a hole in the middle to get your cat going into the toilet pan. Finally the green stage weans your cat off the litter and your cat will happily perch on the toilet seat itself, leaving nothing behind but what has been submerged and maybe the copy of Cat Weekly they were reading.

The Litter Kwitter has a recommended price of GBP 39.95 and is available in all Pets at Home stores nationwide. See how it works and watch cats in action at www.litterkwitter.com.

Notes to the editor:

Cat owner Jo Lapidge got the idea for Litter Kwitter after watching a cat use the toilet in the film Meet the Parents. She decided to try teaching her cat Doogie to do the same and says that it was actually easier than potty training her son.

Training using positive reinforcement has long been the accepted way to train dogs and now cats are getting in on the action. By rewarding your cat with something tasty when he uses the toilet he will be more likely to repeat the action next time he needs to go.

Litter Kwitter comes with a universal base plate that fits all standard toilets, three colour-coded training discs, a comprehensive instruction booklet and a 30-minute training DVD.

Don't be concerned about sharing your toilet with a cat as it's much more hygienic than a litter tray. When cats use the toilet it is only their paws that touch the seat - the same paws that walk over every surface in your house anyway. Either share the toilet seat with your cat's clean paws or share every surface in your home with litter-covered paws.

Litter Kwitter was developed and tested by cat owners, vets and animal behaviourists. One animal behaviourist who helped in this process was Dr Joanne Righetti. She is British and studied at Edinburgh University before moving to Australia.

Litter Kwitter won the PIAA (Pet Industry Association of Australia) New Product of the Year Award in 2005

The Litter Kwitter debuted in the UK on BBC's Tonight With Jonathan Ross. It has also been featured on CNN, Animal Rescue Live, CBBC and The Money Programme.

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  #97  
Old 27-11-07, 15:35
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Phil Waterman Phil Waterman is offline
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Default Re: For you Ozzie pussy lovers..

Quote:
Originally posted by Alex Blair
Nov 27, 2007 04:49 ET
What's new pussycat?
Train your cat to use a human toilet and bin the litter tray

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA--(Marketwire - Nov. 27, 2007) - Get ready to .......The Litter Kwitter debuted in the UK on BBC's Tonight With Jonathan Ross. It has also been featured on CNN, Animal Rescue Live, CBBC and The Money Programme.

Hi Alex

We tried this system with our 3 cats but after two weeks the two female cats complained that the one male cat kept leaving the seat up.

Plus there is noting worse than waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of a toilet flushing, followed by a splash and then a yowling cat.


Cheers Phil
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  #98  
Old 27-11-07, 16:29
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Default Re: Re: For you Ozzie pussy lovers..

Quote:
Originally posted by Phil Waterman
Hi Alex

We tried this system with our 3 cats but after two weeks the two female cats complained that the one male cat kept leaving the seat up.

Plus there is noting worse than waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of a toilet flushing, followed by a splash and then a yowling cat.


Cheers Phil
Hi Phil..
I feel your pain..with three females in my house ..the seat up was allways a bone of contention..
But this is happening in Australia and they are upside down so the seats are spring loaded to hold them down ..thats why those blokes are allways saying....AH..Piss on it..!!
Ask Jif...He was there..
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  #99  
Old 27-11-07, 16:43
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Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
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Default

I DENY EVERYTHING!
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  #100  
Old 29-11-07, 14:56
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
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Default Just for you..

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a
Cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
Instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by
Getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the
Toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
Yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in
Your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm
Clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
After you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
Laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and
Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it
Shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get
To know them.
Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT
REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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  #101  
Old 29-11-07, 15:14
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)'s Avatar
Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
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Default Re: Just for you..

Quote:
Originally posted by Alex Blair
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Very good, thank you... a few of those would seem remarkably applicable to more than a few here, n'est-ce pas?
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  #102  
Old 29-11-07, 20:04
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Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Default Joke

Quote:
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

'I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car', said the male driver.

'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and £10?' asked the driver.

'I said no way', replied the irritated youngster.

'What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh'? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

'No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!' answered the boy

'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.

'NO,' screamed the boy.

'What will it take to get you into the car'? asked the driver with a long sigh.

The boy replied, ':Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it.'
You could substitute many other brands and currencies to adapt to local conditions.
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  #103  
Old 29-11-07, 23:07
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Default does any body know

which side of a sheep grows the best wool ?
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  #104  
Old 29-11-07, 23:45
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Default

If memory serves me right, from my sheering days it's the OUTSIDE
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  #105  
Old 30-11-07, 02:19
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Lightbulb That Reminds Me

A kid walking down the street finds a Welder's Goggles. "Cool!" he says & puts them on. Not long after, a car pulls up beside him.
"G'Day Mate, do you want a ride in the car?" says the driver.
So our little fella gets in the car & they head off.
"Tell me, mate, do you know about felatio?"
"No, nothing" says the boy.
"What about buggery?"
The boy shrugs, "Sorry mister"
"OK then mate, what about....."
The Kid cuts him off. "Look Mister" he says. "I think I'd better tell you.... I'm not really a welder!"
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  #106  
Old 07-12-07, 06:48
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Talking Fox Humting

Fox Hunting...
Attached Thumbnails
fox_hunting.jpg  
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  #107  
Old 07-12-07, 06:53
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Default Re: does any body know

Quote:
Originally posted by Max Hedges
which side of a sheep grows the best wool ?
Max, which side of a cow gives the best milk?
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  #108  
Old 07-12-07, 22:03
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Max Hedges Max Hedges is offline
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Default Re: Re: does any body know

Quote:
Originally posted by Howard
Max, which side of a cow gives the best milk?
the udder side
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  #109  
Old 07-12-07, 22:43
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Default A question

I purchased a teddy bear for $10.00

I called it Mohammed .
........... then sold it for $20.00


My question is

have I made a prophet ?
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  #110  
Old 09-12-07, 16:30
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Barry Churcher Barry Churcher is offline
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Default

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."**

"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita

"Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!**
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  #111  
Old 13-12-07, 01:11
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Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP) is offline
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Default Oldies but Goodies

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
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  #112  
Old 13-12-07, 02:55
Barry Churcher's Avatar
Barry Churcher Barry Churcher is offline
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Location: Castleton Ont.
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Default

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
National government employee performance evaluations:


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18.. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's
the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is
out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice
a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26.. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
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  #113  
Old 02-01-08, 00:47
Barry Churcher's Avatar
Barry Churcher Barry Churcher is offline
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Location: Castleton Ont.
Posts: 905
Default

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than
100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in
the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200
year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had
an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the
Scots."
One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the
following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee,
Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Ireland had already gone wireless."
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  #114  
Old 11-01-08, 22:44
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,917
Default FIRE...!!

Top this for a speeding ticket. . . .
Two traffic police officers on patrol near North Berwick were involved in an
unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1, Great
North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a
vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the
speed was recorded at over 300 mph.

Their radar gun then suddenly stopped working, and the officers were not
able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree-tops revealed that the radar had in
fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a
low-flying exercise over the Scottish/English borders, approaching them from
the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff compl
aint to the RAF Liaison office . . .

Back came the reply in true, laconic, RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this
incident"

"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado jet
in question, had detected the presence of (and subsequently locked onto)
your hostile radar equipment, and had automatically sent a jamming signal
back to it, which was why it stopped working"

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft, had
also 'automatically' locked onto your equipment"

"Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what
it was, and quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, managing
to override the automated defense system, before the missile was launched
and your hostile radar installation was destroyed"

"Good Day"...................

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  #115  
Old 11-01-08, 23:14
Phil Waterman's Avatar
Phil Waterman Phil Waterman is offline
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Location: Temple, New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 3,625
Default Good one

I've always wondered about what happened when people pointed radar guns at airplanes? Most planes Iím sure nothing but military and high security aircraft? Now one of technical experts will tell us that it is the wrong band width. But that would not detract at all from the humor of the story. Iím going to do some checking on the web to see if this one has obtained Urban Myth Status yet.

PS Iíve already shared this with 5 other people just too good.
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  #116  
Old 12-01-08, 03:22
Barry Churcher's Avatar
Barry Churcher Barry Churcher is offline
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Location: Castleton Ont.
Posts: 905
Default

Phil is right Alex, that truly is a good story and who cares if it is a myth or not. I was certainly entertained. You have outdone yourself.
Barry
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  #117  
Old 12-01-08, 11:38
Richard Notton
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Default

Quote:
Originally posted by Barry Churcher
Phil is right Alex, that truly is a good story and who cares if it is a myth or not.
Not wanting to rain on your parade, but I spent 18 years at Marconi Portsmouth being the Air Weapons Test Equipment Manager.

Have to be a bit glib about Tornado systems obviously as you can never de-sign the Official Secrets Act. . . . . . .

The RAF does not fly armed aircraft over populated areas, which would be most all of the UK, RAF bases are available for aircraft arming that permit unpopulated flight paths to the range or we simply go to China Lake in the States.

Tornados have a radar warning device that presents the pilot with data of the location and nature of the radar in use.

Sky Shadow, a wing mounted pod which looks like a drop tank, would be quite capable of taking out the Fuzz radar gun, however, it would have the airports, ĶW phone links and much other stuff away as well.

The inference is the missile is "ALARM" - Air Launched Anti Radar Missile. Pilot intervention would be needed to confirm target, arm and launch. Perhaps later variants are full auto but in that case over-flying England would have had the whole production run auto-fired against civilian targets here.

Maybe an element of truth but hugely embellished I think.

R.
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  #118  
Old 12-01-08, 15:06
Alex Blair (RIP) Alex Blair (RIP) is offline
"Mr. Manual", sadly no longer with us
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ottawa ,Canada
Posts: 2,917
Default Ex RCAF

Quote:
Originally posted by Barry Churcher
Phil is right Alex, that truly is a good story and who cares if it is a myth or not. I was certainly entertained. You have outdone yourself.
Barry
Thanks Barry..
As Ex RCAF it stuck me funny right away..
Having worked on the long range radar sites for years makes it seem improbable but a great yarn...probably some bit of truth somewhere in the story but as Richard says ,highly embelished..
But it is still a myth making story for sure..
Bet there are lots of cops ,after reading this,out there trying to jam up their radar guns ,sitting at the end of runways just to see what happens..

Chris J...Eric B........Are you lurking..???

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  #119  
Old 13-01-08, 21:03
Keith Webb's Avatar
Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
Film maker, CMP addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Eltham, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 8,080
Default Jogging

Quote:
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.

"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,

Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He thought he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough,there was the hooker.

He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
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42 FGT No8 (Aust) remains
42 FGT No9 (Aust)
42 F15
42 F15A
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  #120  
Old 14-01-08, 03:48
Keith Webb's Avatar
Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
Film maker, CMP addict
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Eltham, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 8,080
Default And another

Quote:
This guy walks into a bar and orders a treble Chivas Regal;

"There you are sir!" says the barman, pouring the drink for him.

Matey takes it all down in one gulp and says "Phew! That's better; mind you, I shouldn't be drinking this, not with what I've got."

"Oh? What have you got then?" asks the barman.









"20 cents."
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42 FGT No8 (Aust) remains
42 FGT No9 (Aust)
42 F15
42 F15A
Keith Webb
Eltham, Victoria Australia
Also Canadian Military Pattern Vehicles group on Facebook
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