Some Funnies

[Clive_Dakers]

IDIOT SIGHTING: I worked in a DIY store. I guy asked a coworker "which is whiter, masonry paint with a 10 year guarantee or masonry paint with a 15 year guarantee?

IDIOT SIGHTING: Same store. A guy handed me and old spray paint can and asked if we had any in stock. I took him to the shelf and saw that the label design had changed so I had to examine each of the cans that we had. I read the bar code number off the can and compared it to the labels on the shelf edge. "There you go" I said, handing him the new can. "How do you know its the right one he said". I said "I read the barcode". He said "WOW how did you learn to do that?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING: I once spent half an hour explaining to a rather confused woman how and why fuses work. She needed a fuse for her bedside lamp as the one in her plug had blown. Instead of taking a replacement 3 amp plug she opted instead for a 13 amp so that it wouldn't blow next time

[PPS]

This may have been posted before, but here goes.

A local traffic policeman was in his usual hiding place on the side of the road, when one of the local boy racers flashed past. Off went the policeman in pursuit.

When he caught up and pulled him in policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said.

The kid replied, " Well Officer, I got here as quick as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent boy racer on his way without booking him.

Anybody want to try it???

Paul.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Cut this posting out and prominately display it on the entrance door of your work shop...


Using Sex as a Weapon and the Other Six Biggest Mistakes Married Women Make; Leading Authority on Marriage and Relationships Dr. Tseday Aberra Tells Women What NOT to Do

Dr. Tseday Aberra
Highlighted Links


Dr. Tseday Aberra

LOS ANGELES, CA--(Marketwire - April 22, 2008) - Have you ever withheld sex from your husband to get what you want? Think again, according to top marriage and relationship expert Dr. Tseday Aberra. According to Dr. Aberra, a clinical psychologist, there are seven mistakes that women will typically make at one point or another during the course of their marriage.

"Most of the women who come to me with marital problems have, at one point or another, made all of these mistakes during their marriage," said Dr. Aberra. "It is critical for women to change their way of thinking in each of these areas."

The seven mistakes women typically make in a marriage:

1. Using sex as a weapon: The biggest no-no ever! A faithful husband has no choice but to come to you for sex. He doesn't like being reminded of his vulnerability; it's hurtful and will create feelings of anger and resentment. Find another way to solve your problem.

2. Keeping score: Most women have the uncanny ability to recall the time and place of every mistake their husband has ever made and bring past errors to the forefront to win arguments. Stay away from bringing up his mistakes over and over again; scorekeeping is not an endearing quality.

3. Demanding to know everything: You don't have the right to know everything he thinks about or does, unless it's about your marriage. If you need to know everything, you're insecure about yourself and your marriage.

4. Nagging all day: He clearly understands what you want. And he's capable of making a decision about what he wants to do. You're not going to get what you want by nagging so cut-it out.

5. Fighting unfairly: This quality is more common in women than in men. A woman's tendency is to personalize fights, making it difficult to have fair and necessary marital arguments. Productive disagreements need to be kept within the context of the marriage and the issue at-hand.

6. Latching: Even if you enjoy each other's company, he still wants to have time without you. It's necessary. Time without you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Don't take it personally. It's rather healthy.

7. Throwing a fit over his spending: Most men shop for themselves a couple of times a year and their spending seems excessive because they do their shopping all at once. You, on the other hand, don't appear to spend much because you shop more frequently.

Dr. Tseday Aberra is a clinical and forensic psychologist and one of the country's leading authorities on the male-female relationship. Dr. Aberra advocates a unique and at times controversial approach to the dynamics of marriage, the elements necessary for a successful relationship and the role of sex in a marriage. Dr. Aberra has a successful private practice in the greater Los Angeles area, written numerous articles on the subject and conducted seminars across the country reaching countless people seeking to improve their relationships and marriages. More information is available at www.drtseday.com.
Contact:
Steve Honig
The Honig Company, Inc.
818-986-4300
Email Contact

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[aj.lec]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must
admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second
burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it
originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I
pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell
was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Tony Smith]

The Kiwi love affair with ALL things Australian is as strong as ever.

The article doesn't explain his reasons for retracting the claim, was it A: He now realises it wasn't a Wombat that got him, or B: It was a Wombat, but they have reconciled their differences and everything is consensual now?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Thought this was appropriate ...

Subject: What Do Retired People Do All Day?


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[gjamo]

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kelvin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Kelvin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be
possessed with at least some ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.

So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Kelvin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Kelvin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Kelvin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Kelvin, "You gotta guv me another week to come up with the $500."

[Barry Churcher]

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances
are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can
be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be
patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words
and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered.
Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you
can see who did this over and over and over…)

7 .Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in
352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please
refer to me as ‘Lucille’ instead of Steve

[Keith Webb]

A friend sent this to me...

[Howard]

You may insert your own teams/locations as necessary...
HH

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Bankstown and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Cowboys fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why are you a Cowboys fan?"
"My mum and dad were born and raised in Townsville, so my mum is a Cowboys fan and my dad is a Cowboys fan, and so I'm a Cowboys fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cowboys fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

[lynx42]

I know what the hands are thinking, but just what did Charlie-boy say to get that great smile? Every-one I've shown it to grin as well. Must be one of the best photos of Charlie ever.

[Phil]

Kevin Rudds Defence Budget Cuts


First go at posting photos , hope this works

[Noel Burgess]

Someone just e-mailed this link to me at work - It's self explanatory
http://www.contractjournal.com/Artic...-new-logo.html

Noel

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Canadian girl from Port Perry Ontario named Playmate of the Year..
Jif needs a nice girl like this to bring to CC7..

Canadian Native Jayde Nicole Is Playboy's 2008 Playmate of the Year

LOS ANGELES, May 8 /CNW/ -- Tell the band to strike up "O Canada" --
Ontario's own Jayde Nicole, 22, is Playboy's 2008 Playmate of the Year. The
brunette bombshell is featured in a 10-page nude pictorial in Playboy's June
issue (on newsstands and at http://www.playboydigital.com Friday, May 9).
Along with her title, Jayde receives $100,000 in prize money and a 2008
Cadillac CTS. She is Canada's first Playmate of the Year since 1982 when
Shannon Tweed was honored with the title. A one-hour special of the Playboy
Playmate of the Year announcement will air May 18, exclusively on Playboy TV.
Jayde's intoxicating beauty and girl-next-door appeal has made her a
local celebrity in her hometown of Port Perry, Ontario, about an hour outside
of Toronto. Jayde owns a modeling agency called Jayde Nicole Inc. that she
founded in 2005 and had been managing the day-to-day operations of the agency
before catching Playboy's eye and landing the title of Miss January 2007.
Playboy's newest Playmate of the Year graduated with honors from Port
Perry High School in 2004, and attended George Brown College in Toronto where
she studied hotel and resort management.
Jayde is currently writing her own fitness and beauty book and has just
finished filming a pilot for a reality television show about her life. She has
also appeared in Today's Bride magazine and on the cover of American Curves.
Last year she organized her second annual charity car wash, which helped raise
money for the RED campaign to help fight AIDS in Africa.
Jayde is one of four Ontario-born Playmates, including Miss April 2004
Krista Kelly (Brampton), Miss June 2003 Tailor James (Mississauga), and Miss
January 1990 Peggy McIntaggart (Midland). Playboy named its first ever
Playmate of the Year, Ellen Stratton, in 1960.




http://jaydenicole.centerfoldheaven.com/

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Jif needs a nice girl like this to bring to CC7...

Too young for me, ya git!! Something like that will have you for breakfast and run...

Nah, y'see it's like this, Alex... I be bringing someone to CC7 already, someone a hell of a lot more real and impressive than that fluff! So mind yer manners...

[RHClarke]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

Canadian girl from Port Perry Ontario named Playmate of the Year..


http://jaydenicole.centerfoldheaven.com/

:

Good to see something nice (other than CMPs) come out of Southern Ontario...by the way, nice "fluff". You'll know where to find me for the next few hours.

[cliff]

I was sent this one by a friend in England.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Barry Churcher]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to sh*t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your cheeks WILL fall off!



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite jalepiňo peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.



Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The jalepiňos in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake!



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand-mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my *ss is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofab***h!", then quickly left.



Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Sobey's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

[Keith Webb]

But others are groaners


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?'



A little boy went up to his father and asked:'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine'


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,

'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,'

'Me neither, Doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'


Two Reasons Why Its So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute...'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know but it sure made a hole in Juan.'


This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, 'How do you get into those pants?'

The young woman looks him over and replies, 'Well, you could start by buying me a drink.'


Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'OOPS!'


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, 'I did that by accident.'

She replied, 'I know that, Grandpa.'

He replied, 'How did you know?'

She said, 'Because you didn't say 'asshole' afterwards.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'

'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' S o the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back He claimed he was strand ed and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.'

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by RHClarke

by the way, nice "fluff"

What "fluff"? What happened to doormats with "welcome" trimmed into them?!?!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Thanks for the laughs, guys!



H.

[Keith Webb]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,'saysthe PM. 'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Brown. I 'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down...all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there..Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Gord!' 'Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge,' says Brown, dejectedly. 'This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!' Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration,Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says,opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.' With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into
black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Brown, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

I'm sure half of these people worked for me at one time or the other...


Survey Reveals Most Embarrassing Job Interview Blunders

TORONTO, May 28 /CNW/ - Most people are on their best behaviour when
meeting with hiring managers, but some actions fall nothing short of bizarre.
In a recent survey, OfficeTeam asked executives to recount the most
embarrassing job interview moments they had heard of or witnessed. Following
are some examples:

<<
- "The candidate sent his sister to interview in his place."
- "The person was dancing during the interview. He kept saying things
like, 'I love life!' and 'Oh yeah!'"
- "A job applicant came in for an interview with a cockatoo on his
shoulder."
- "The candidate stopped the interview and asked me if I had a
cigarette."
- "We had one person who walked out of an interview into a glass door -
and the glass shattered."

The survey was developed by OfficeTeam, a leading staffing service
specializing in the placement of highly skilled administrative professionals.
It was conducted by an independent research firm and is based on telephone
interviews with 150 senior executives at the 1,000 largest U.S. companies and
100 senior executives in Canada.
It's helpful to do your homework before a job interview, and the following
job seekers would have benefited from more preparation:

- "The candidate got his companies confused and repeatedly mentioned
the strengths of a competing firm, thinking that's who he was
interviewing with."
- "A guy called me by the wrong name during the entire interview."
- "We're a retail company, and when we asked the candidate why she
wanted to work for us, she said she didn't want to work in retail
anymore."

Most employers observe applicants' body language to see how friendly and
honest they appear. Unfortunately, these job candidates could have used some
improvement in that area:

- "An interviewee put his bubble gum in his hand, forgot about it, and
then shook my hand."
- "A job seeker gestured with his hands so much that he sat on them to
stop it."
- "A candidate fell asleep during the interview."

Dressing professionally increases your chances of landing a job.
Regrettably for these next job hopefuls, the wrong attire can take you out of
the running:

- "Someone showed up for an interview in pyjamas and his hair not
combed, like he had just rolled out of bed."
- "The candidate had a big rip in the back of his pants."

While job seekers should give complete and compelling responses to
interviewers' questions, saying too much can work against you, as these next
examples demonstrate:

- "An applicant was doing really well in the interview until she got to
the reason she left her other job. She told us everyone was out to
get her."
- "A candidate insulted the interviewer on his tie."

"Although extreme, these examples illustrate the importance of interview
basics," said Dave Willmer, executive director of OfficeTeam. "To be
considered for a job, candidates must prepare well, dress appropriately and
provide compelling information about themselves."
OfficeTeam provides the following tips to avoid embarrassing job interview
moments:

- Do your homework. Study the company and ask the interviewer relevant
questions that demonstrate your interest in the firm.
- Dress to impress. Err on the conservative side with a suit in a
neutral tone. "Test drive" a new outfit before the interview to make
sure it's comfortable.
- Don't delay. Plan to arrive at your interview at least 15 minutes
early. Give yourself extra time if you are unfamiliar with the area.
- Keep it real. Offer examples and anecdotes that help illustrate your
strengths, but do not embellish or lie.
- Resist rambling. Once you have answered an interview question, stop
talking. Allow for periods of silence while the hiring manager
formulates the next query.

Alas, even careful preparation can't prevent all mishaps, such as the
following:

- "A candidate cut his lip shaving, and it was bleeding profusely
during the interview."
- "The applicant became ill during the interview."
- "The applicant spilled coffee on her suit."
>>

Added Willmer, "Handling problems gracefully may actually impress
interviewers. But if the situation can't be overcome, move on and focus on the
next opportunity. It's a learning experience that will someday make an
entertaining story."

[cliff]

A friend in the States sent me this one. Hopefully it is not to over the top for most of you.

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[aj.lec]

> >Craig drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car
salesroom.

>Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120kph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the road,
enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought Craig as he floored it to 130kph, then 140, then 150kph.
Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too honest for this
nonsense!'

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to
catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's
side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my
shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the
weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go.'

Craig looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,
'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were
bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, sir,' said the policeman.

[PPS]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female ...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male ..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female .... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male .... Playing football without a cup (box/guard).

3. COMMUNICATION ( ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female .... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female .... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE ( flach-u-lens) n.
Female .... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male ...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female ...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ........ Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female .... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND . . . . .

He said . . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . . That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you done with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking?
She said . . . . . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Paul.

[PPS]

How about this one?

Paul.

[Keith Webb]

Discovered by my wife on one of her fora.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .... . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs; I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. 'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[aj.lec]

Subject: The Lithgow Cow



>
> The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people
> did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200.
>
> They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced
> lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided
> to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They
> would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the
> bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever
> the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what
> approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could
> not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the
> Vet, who was very
> wise, what to do.
>
> They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our
> cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
> When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. An attempt from the
> side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a
> minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
> bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we
> got the cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow"
>