Some Funnies

[Hans Mulder]

A biker on a 10 speed was working his way up a hill on a hot day and having a tough go of it. A passing motorist in a corvette slowed down beside him and said "hang on the back of my car and I'll give you a lift to the top of the hill. If I am going too fast, ring your bell, and I'll slow down."

Five minutes later, near the top of the hill, another corvette passes them at high speed and the driver can't stand for this, so he accelerates to catch up, forgetting about the biker behind him.

The police constable set up on the bottom of the other side of the hill with a radar gun radios in and says "Sarge, you aren't going to believe this, I just clocked two corvettes going by side by side at 180".

Sarge replies "So what, go pull them over"

The constable replies "You are not going to belive this, but there was a guy on a ten speed behind them, ringing to pass".

[Howard]

Anger Management - by a man called Chris
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but who you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an arsehole!' And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an arsehole!'. It always cheered me up..
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an arsehole!' And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first arswhole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an arsehole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea....
I called arsehole #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an arsehole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asrsehole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home andI have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asrehole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, arsehole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your arse'
I answered, 'Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[Mike Kelly]

Dear Prime Minister,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the Australian economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars for projects that nobody needs or wants e.g. insulation bats, Solar panels, School fund to have 3 assembly halls at ten times the price for 30 students. Why not use the following plan.

You can call it the Gillard Redhead Retirement Plan:

There are about 5 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them Â$ 2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Five million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car.
Five million cars or der ed - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy Â$100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!


Also
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell..

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay Â$400.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Goondiwindi almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in the feedlot at Bony Mountain?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wan der ing around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Australia to speak up!

[Keith Webb]

...of this, emailed to me by a fellow MLU-er. Guess which one is the Leader of the Opposition and which is our embarrassment of a Prime Minister.



NB: This would be funny if we didn't have to endure it.

[Darrell Zinck]

One day a fellow was walking across a field when along comes another fellow in a hot air balloon floating 30 feet above the ground.

“Excuse me,” says the man in the balloon to the man on the ground “but I’m lost. Could you please tell me where I am?”

“Sure” says the man on the ground “You’re in a balloon 30 feet above the ground.”

“Hmmmm. You must be an NCO” say the man in the Balloon.

“Why, yes I am.” says the man on the ground. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the man in the balloon, “Although everything you told me is technically correct but absolutely no help to me whatsoever.”

“Well then” says the man on the ground “You must be an Officer”

“Why, indeed I am” says the man in the balloon, “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man on the ground, “here I am walking along minding my own business when you come along and suddenly all your problems are my fault.”

[Keith Webb]

in horror films...

[Little Jo]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock..... I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Cheers

Tony

[Howard]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what really happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, what did happen to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the fXXk happened to Stanley?"

[lynx42]

The Aussie Version of Creation




In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for Sailing, footy matches, going to the beach,and BBQs.


He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming, SailingClick Me! and BBQs on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer Garlic for "Pork" (which he would invent on Day4)
And wood forYacht Masts, BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Fourth Day God created animals Pigs and Cows
and crustaceans, chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to make use of all these wondrous creations - Sail Yachts, go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQs, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to Crew on his Yacht, go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the Sailing Boats, twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of Roast Pork, grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.

Well - almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to Anti Foul, bury the chop bones, clean up the mess and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, polish the boat, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good - it was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

MATE!! IT WAS ALL AUSTRALIAN!!!!!

[aj.lec]

Stuck in a Traffic Jam

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..

Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.

They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about five litres.'

--

[lynx42]

This on is not a 'Funny'. but is very interesting, I was not sure where to put it.

Check it out .

The new money in China has brought new wealth to many and they go and buy a motorcycle or car and take to the roads. This is the result.

http://pop.6park.com/life2/messages/24007.html

[Bruce MacMillan]

An American walks into a Glasgow pub and says, "I'll give anyone 500 dollars if they can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes."

Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.

One man even leaves the bar.

A little while later the bloke that left comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"

"Sure." So the bartender lines 10 pints up on the bar the bloke downs them all in 8 minutes.

As the American hands over the money he gets suspicious and asks, "When you left the bar there for a minute, where did you go?"

Guy answers, "I went to the pub next door to make sure I could do it first."

[aj.lec]

“I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story..”

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)... Queensland’s famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! (For you overseas people a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10 deadliest snakes, Australia has 5 of them.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in its mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog out of his mouth and put it into my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, and I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on with my fishing with the frog as my bait.

A little while later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[Howard]

Those of us who grew up with "Play School" will find this amusing
Warning: Contains language not suitable for the young...
YouTube Ling=k
H

[aj.lec]

Old men are nicer!

An old guy was in Big W the other day, pushing his shopping trolley around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra.

What does your wife look like?"

The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most old men are helpful like that.

[motto]

Looks like someone with a bit of sway found your post offensive Rick. It must have been good.
Dave

[cliff]

Originally Posted by motto

Looks like someone with a bit of sway found your post offensive Rick. It must have been good.
Dave

Nothing posted by anyone was deleted Dave so if you have read all the jokes and not laughed they can't have been good.

[hrpearce]

Cliff, Motto is refering to the fact youtube pulled the video link for being offencive.

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Cliff, Motto is refering to the fact youtube pulled the video link for being offencive.

I thought it was offensive, bordering on a 'snuff' movie. Glad it has gone.

[cliff]

Originally Posted by hrpearce

Cliff, Motto is refering to the fact youtube pulled the video link for being offencive.

Ah sorry all I misinterpreted the post.

[Howard]

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh...
His Dizzy Aunt, Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh
His magician uncle, Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin, A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle, Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle, Flaming Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV, Winnie Bay Gogh
Too silly not to share?
I saw you smiling . . . so there ya Gogh!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


Smile. It's Called...THERAPY
Enjoy The Ride, Life is Short!!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

[motto]

At the tme I posted the comment on Rick's contribution being made unavailable I was unaware of the previous 'discussion' on censorship. I was moving backwards up the thread and when I read all that I thought, 'I've just put my foot in it, it's sure to be misinterpereted!'
Thankfully it was sorted in my absence as I have no wish to offend anyone.
David

[aj.lec]

A Loving Grandpa.....

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."

[aj.lec]

"The Brothel"

The madam opened the brothel door in Inverness and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer!.

[aj.lec]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[Darrell Zinck]

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAY A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS I BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…


regards
Darrell

[Lang]

Reminds me of a sign I saw in Calcutta.

J.A. Gupta and Sons. Purveyors of lingerie for ladies of distinction. We have had a hand in women's underwear for 20 years.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Pecans in the Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along..

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....?

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.