Some Funnies

[Howard]

One for the mathematicians amongst us


On another note, I Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them that anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

[Howard]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[Howard]

Isn't this the truth ??

User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?
Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.
User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?
Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
Website: No, you must get a new one.
User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.
User: ok, roses
Website: Sorry you must use more letters.
User: pretty roses
Website: you must use at least one number.
User: 1 pretty rose
Website: you cannot use blank spaces.
User: 1prettyrose
Website: you must use additional letters.
User: 1f*ckingprettyrose
Website: you must use at least one capital letter.
User: 1F*CKINGprettyrose
Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
User: 1F*ckingprettyrose
Website: you must use additional letters.
User: 1F*ckingprettyroseshovedupyourarseifyoudon'tgiveme accessrightf*ckingnow

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

[Keith Webb]

Very capably caught by Dan Piraro.

[maple_leaf_eh]

http://www.dormstormer.com/random/ne...vandalism-vine

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Very capably caught by Dan Piraro.

When I visited the Hoover Dam, the tour guide made the same dam jokes. Like he was "one of those dam guys, telling dam lies the whole dam day", etc.

H.

[Little Jo]

Goo'bye Gran'Dad!
Only Australians can write poetry, and relate to Australian icons!

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or ever went camping,
you will know what's meant, when you read this Classic Aussie Poem.


Poor old Gran'Dad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.


The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable had ta have his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite with no trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space!

No-one had a clue at all, the Judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death!'

'This 'ere 'exploration mob' had been lookin' at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - and never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Gran'Dad would pass away that night!
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Gran'Dad didn't know
The dunny was re-located, when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Gran'Dad did his dash?
Well, he always used to hold his breath........
Until he heard the splash!!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

And oh, speaking of dams.....

[universalgrl]

Over heard at a bar one night.
Two of Canada's finest airborne soldiers where arguing over who had the most completed jumps.
The first of canada's finest boasted that he had 178 completed jumps without an injury.
The second of Canada's finest boasted that's nothing I've got 286 completed jumps.
An old man sitting in the corner nursing a beer piped up and said I've jumped out of a plane.
One of the airborne soldiers said when did you jump out of a plane grandpa.
The old man slowly got up and made his way over to the bar.
He pulled a battered piece of cloth from a pocket and threw a well worn Pegasus shoulder patch on the bar between the two solders.
He said 4 jumps, two practice, D Day, and Arnhem.

Honor those who have gone before!

[Comox Air Force Museum]

Great video of the Dutch Army bicycle band. Sure to bring a smile to your face. Enjoy!
Rob

http://www.flixxy.com/the-dutch-army-bicycle-band.htm

[hrpearce]

Originally Posted by Comox Air Force Museum

Great video of the Dutch Army bicycle band. Sure to bring a smile to your face. Enjoy!
Rob

http://www.flixxy.com/the-dutch-army-bicycle-band.htm

Amazing!

[Darrell Zinck]

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What? Did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 lbs before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was Laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

[motto]

Superman had an appointment with the Police Chief in the Metropolis and was a bit late. The Chief commented on it saying that Superman was usually dead on time and that it must have been something important that delayed him.
Superman went on to explain that he had been flying across country when he saw Wonder Woman lying on a river bank flat on her back, stark naked and looking like she was ready for anything so he dropped down and jumped on for a little 'afternoon delight'.
The Chief said,"I bet that gave her a surprise', to which Superman replied, 'Not as much as the surprise I gave the Invisible Man!'


Apologies if this has appeared here previously, I can't remember where I got it from but recently told it to a couple of middle aged female friends discussing Marvel super heroes and they thought it was absolutely hilarious.

David

[aj.lec]

Retirement

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's "sexual advisor."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fu%#ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

[colin jones]

Joe Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Avenue Road houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Rosedale ."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center Mall."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Don Valley Ravine.

The nurse is just blown away by all this , and as Doug slips away, she says ,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the asshole had a paper route!"

[motto]

Got this in an email today.
The teacher asked the class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work the daddy did.
The children very excitedly scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
'Tommy, why do you look so sad?' asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet and replied, 'My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar.' The other children remained silent as Tommy continued. 'Sometimes he doesn't come home and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes he sells his body for other men's pleasure.' There were gasps around the classroom.
The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders and asked, 'Is all that true, Tommy?'
'No, not at all, Miss. He really plays cricket for England but I was too embarrassed to say.'

[Little Jo]

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

Cheers

Tony

[Little Jo]

The Latrine Holding Tank Is Full
(Thule Greenland)

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes seven more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?

Cheers

Tony

[colin jones]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time.'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[Keith Webb]

Rush hour in Australia

[RHClarke]

Justified?

[oldlithgow]

[aj.lec]

A Tap on the Shoulder

A supposedly true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . ..
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver
a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and
stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said,
"I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[motto]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra. It's gridlocked, nothing can move at all.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?.
"Terrorists have stormed parliament house during a sitting and have taken all our MPs hostage. They're asking $100 million ransom otherwise they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving on average?" The driver asks.
The man replies, "roughly about four litres".

David

[Keith Webb]

Life imitates art...

[colin jones]

Two old guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to eat the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me"

[Keith Webb]

This is good...

[lynx42]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Rush hour in Australia

Meanwhile in Australia!!



There is a shortage of parking areas.(or something.)

[Tony Wheeler]

President Calvin Coolidge

The 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, was not nicknamed 'Silent Cal' for nothing. He was well known for being a man of few words. Whilst seated at a dinner party next to poet and satirist Dorothy Parker, Parker said to him,

"Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose".

When Coolidge died in 1933, Dorothy Parker remarked, "How can they tell?"



Winston Churchill

Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."

Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."



Pope John XXIII

Wit and a sense of humour are not normally used to describe pontiffs. However, Pope John XXIII had a rich sense of humour and when a journalist asked,

"How many people work at the Vatican?"

The Pope replied, "About half".



Mahatma Gandhi

The leader of the Indian independence movement paid a visit to England in 1931. Whilst there, a reporter shouted out,

"What do you think of Western civilization?"

Gandhi instantly replied, "I think it would be a good idea".



Edna Ferber V Noel Coward

Playwright Noel Coward bumped in to his old friend novelist Edna Ferber who was wearing one of her tailored suits. Coward looked her over and said,

"Edna, you almost look like a man."

Ferber looked Coward over and said, "So do you"



Alfred Hitchcock

During the beginning of filming Alfred Hitchcock's drama film 'Lifeboat', actress Mary Anderson asked Hitchcock,

"What is my best side Mr Hitchcock?"

Hitchcock dryly responded, "You're sitting on it, my dear."

[colin jones]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
> She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
> In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
> The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
> Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
> She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.
> As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.