Australia Day

Although half-gone down there, its only just started for us, so Happy Australia Day to our antipodean chums.

One of my Oz MV contacts sent me this description which may, or may not, be too accurate perhaps and certainly lacks a little PC, no worries there.

I suppose he might be having a little bit of a leg-pull maybe and I'm sure the antipodeans will put me straight.

"We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional w-anchor. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer
consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk.

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!"



R.

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

AND WE LOVE EVERY PART OF IT. BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

I know I've lived in Germany and the UK. Visited the UK in 2002. Was glad to get home and eat a piece of meat.

29c and sunny here today, what was yours?

Come visit, you won't want to go home.

Aussie Bob

[Tony Smith]

Come visit and Ivan Milat won't let you go home. (Luckily the "Backpackers in the forest" murderer is behind bars!).

[Mike Kelly]

I like it Richard ,

It tells the story accurately . Is this good or bad ? I will leave that for others to decide . ( actually , I think it's rather sad )

Mike

Originally posted by Bob Moseley
AND WE LOVE EVERY PART OF IT. BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

I know I've lived in Germany and the UK. Visited the UK in 2002. Was glad to get home and eat a piece of meat.

29c and sunny here today, what was yours?

Come visit, you won't want to go home.

Aussie Bob

Ripper!

Yup and thanks to the three of you who have rushed to the keyboard. Ballards and I would love to visit, affording the airfare, since you can't cheat and buy the ticket offshore at 1/3rd the price, is a problem; being the only management and worker for me is another and to say nothing of the universal no smoking on aircraft now which on the length of an Oz trip may well finish me for good.

Well, all meat here is Euro "approved" and decent stuff at a good price faded away after joining that EU gravy-train black hole into which we obliged to tip money at 1 million/min; subsequently the commonwealth sources were discarded by the govt here in a wholly shabby manner. Now, don't get me started. . . . . . .

Hmmmm, 29C eh? Quite mild here too, I have 5C, damp, but not raining and uniformly grey, as it does.

Of course Ballard has looked at Oz in the atlas and assumes there's a Blitz under every gum tree, plus his itinary of places to go looks like the outline of an allied star but represents likely some 20k miles of driving or more.

Oh well. . . . . . .

R.

[Richard Farrant]

To Max, brother John, Bob & Jenny, Wayne, and any other fellow Trackers and Corowa participants that are on this forum.........

Hope you all had a great Australia Day, think of us up here in the Northern Hemisphere, in a biting easterly wind and snow on the way. Wish I was Down Under again. Hope to see a good crowd of Diggers over for Normandy, know of 12 so far and 7 of them are Back to the Trackers, so we should have a good reunion.

Have had an Anzac biscuit * to get in the spirit of the day.

*Now available in Sainsburys, price inc. donation to RBL

Richard

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you Bruce?

Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

Everybruce: G'day!

Michael: Hello.

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

Michael: No, it's Michael.

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

Everybruce: Amen!

Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

Third Bruce: Howls of derisive laughter, Bruce!

Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

Fourth Bruce:Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?

Michael: No!

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,

Everybruce: No Poofters!

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is nnnnNO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Everybruce: Amen!

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.


(An Aborigine bursts in with an enormous tray full of enormous steaks.)

Fourth Bruce: OK.

Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.

Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.

Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce.

First Bruce: Sydney Nolan! What's that! (points)

(Cut to dramatic close-up of Fourth Bruce's ear. Hold close-up. The superimposed arrow pointing to the ear.)

Voice Over: Number nine. The ear. (And now all four Bruces launch into the Philosopher's song)

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.
John Stewart Mill, of his own free will
After half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day!
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

[Max Hedges]

Richard we had an enjoyable day at the breakfast in the park putting on a thrashing machine demonstration, first time the machine was running in 70 odd years. Father could not make it this year as he is not so well, these days. The twenty year old children spent the day doing an Australia thing, billy cart racing and rafting on the dam all afternoon. The Canadian we have staying with us thought the afternoon grass fire at the neighbours was rather interesting. And we did all this under the beautiful summer weather and a nice 30 degree temp. Hope you are all surviving the cold weather! MAX

Originally posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball
Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce!

First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

Third Bruce: How are you Bruce? (snip)

Yew bin at that old MPFC video again ?

R.

[Richard Farrant]

Originally posted by Max Hedges
The Canadian we have staying with us thought the afternoon grass fire at the neighbours was rather interesting. And we did all this under the beautiful summer weather and a nice 30 degree temp. Hope you are all surviving the cold weather!

Hi Max,
It does not take much to keep Canadians amused then !!

Sounds like you had a good day out. We are standing by for the snowfall of the century if you believe the Met Office and papers, there appeared to be a few flakes today and everyone was in panic mode. One supermarket chain has ordered an extra 200,000 gallons of soup, if you can believe it.....

Are you taking a Dodge to Corowa this year ?

Richard