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  #871  
Old 28-06-14, 06:15
aj.lec's Avatar
aj.lec aj.lec is offline
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Default


All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
..
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge


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  #872  
Old 28-06-14, 11:43
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Keith Webb Keith Webb is offline
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Default What did Ford say to GM?

Well I laughed. A little.
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  #873  
Old 05-07-14, 05:06
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Ganmain Tony Ganmain Tony is offline
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Default A tale

Amanda, Felicity and Grace haven't met each other since leaving boarding school in Sydney. Amanda and Felicity both now live in England and since Grace was travelling there on holidays with Dudley, they caught up on Facebook and agreed to meet in London for lunch.

Amanda arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress and orders a bottle of champagne. Felicity arrives next wearing a classy looking grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses Amanda joins Felicity in a glass of champagne. Then Grace walks in, wearing a faded old tee shirt, blue jeans and battered old riding boots.

Amanda explains that after attending Oxford University, she married Julian, a partner in a London law firm and they bought a house in Kent. Susanna, their daughter is in the British equestrian team for the upcoming Olympics and they have a holiday home in Portugal.

Felicity tells them how she studied medicine in Edinburgh before becoming a surgeon. Her husband Phillip is an investment banker. They live in Surry, have an apartment at Knightsbridge and a holiday home in Italy.

Grace then explained that after leaving school she became pregnant and married Dudley, who has a struggling sheep farm, but she was proud of the fact he could stand five parrots, side by side on his erect penis.

Several hours later and halfway through the third bottle of wine Amanda bursts into tears and blurts out that her husband is really a plumber, her daughter has never ridden a horse and they live in a Manchester bed sit. Felicity shamed by her friend's honesty confesses she trained as a nurse's-aid and works at an old folks home with her husband. They own a caravan and once went on a camping holiday to Surry. Grace then sheepishly admitted that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg and flap its wings to stay on.
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  #874  
Old 07-07-14, 10:51
Bruce MacMillan Bruce MacMillan is offline
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Default World Cup refunds

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction
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  #875  
Old 07-07-14, 10:56
Bruce MacMillan Bruce MacMillan is offline
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Default new team sponsors for England

England has signed with three new sponsors for their football team
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  #876  
Old 07-07-14, 11:53
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Default Reflecting...

After watching Uraguay's loss which saw them eliminated from the tournament, I just felt their attack lacked a bit of bite...
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  #877  
Old 09-08-14, 08:21
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default

Joke Of The Day: Never Ask A Gunny


A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The young officer answered,” why yes, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.” The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied, “Well, sir, you have no ears.” The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunny said, “Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses.” The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn’t mention my ears.

“And how do you know that I wear contacts?” The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, “Well, sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ####ing ears.”
-
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  #878  
Old 10-08-14, 12:19
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default She Actually Said That?

A man was telling his buddy “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.”

“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”

“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said, ‘Dad, meet my new boyfriend– Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!’”
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1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
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  #879  
Old 11-08-14, 13:35
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Talking Finally

Well, I'm exhausted.
It has taken ages, but, at last... LINK
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  #880  
Old 11-08-14, 13:43
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Smile The Melbourne Graduate

The owner of a golf course on the Peninsular was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Melbourne and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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  #881  
Old 14-08-14, 14:26
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Don't mess with the old dogs.

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs.
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
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  #882  
Old 23-09-14, 02:54
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Council Flat Problems

Hmmmmm!


These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants
complaining to the Council about problems with their flats

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour &
not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And finally

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

Could be any country.
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1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
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  #883  
Old 10-02-15, 09:15
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default

Click image for larger version

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ID:	71151

Regard Rick
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1916 Albion A10
1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
KVE Member.
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  #884  
Old 15-02-15, 22:50
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Little Jo Little Jo is offline
Tony VAN RHODA
 
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Default Typical australian humour

Hi Guys

I thought I would share some good old Aussie humour with you. Senior Citizens raffle at the bowling club.


http://www.youtube.com/embed/r0kIj_PIpaI

Cheers

Tony
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  #885  
Old 22-02-15, 07:07
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Smile Hmmm...

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
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  #886  
Old 22-02-15, 07:42
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hrpearce hrpearce is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Howard View Post
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
His funeral announcement was in the next local paper.
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  #887  
Old 23-02-15, 00:30
motto motto is offline
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Default

Looking in the mirror his wife exclaimed 'My boobs are sagging, my bottom's sagging, I've got love handles, my face is wrinkled and I've got a turkey neck. Tell me something nice'. To which he replied 'nothing wrong with your eye sight'.

David
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  #888  
Old 03-03-15, 10:30
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Smile Time to Give the Wife a break

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
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  #889  
Old 09-05-15, 09:05
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Fishing?

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box
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1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
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  #890  
Old 17-05-15, 08:15
motto motto is offline
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Default Cooker, Exploding Mk 1

Seeing the discussion in regards to petrol cookers reminded me of an old joke that some may not have heard before.
A not so sharp paratrooper was falling to earth with an unopened chute when he saw a soldier coming up toward him. As he got closer he yelled 'Know anything about parachutes?' As he went past the fellow yelled back. 'Nah! Know anything about petrol stoves?'

David
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  #891  
Old 24-05-15, 03:01
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default A good comeback to a Dear John.

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Jason,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Jason included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Jason.
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1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
KVE Member.

Last edited by lynx42; 24-05-15 at 03:28.
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  #892  
Old 24-05-15, 08:53
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Hanno Spoelstra Hanno Spoelstra is offline
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Default

Typical Dutch ingenuity:

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  #893  
Old 07-06-15, 01:20
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default No exaggeration here

A German lorry driver in a pub in Newcastle is gobbing off how lazy British truck drivers are. He's bragging that he drives his load from Hamburg, goes through Holland, Belgium up to Newcastle and back to Hamburg in just two days. This old Geordie man mutters up, "Ah, way ay I used to pick up me load in Newcastle, drop off in Hamburg and be back in Newcastle for a fish and chip supper the same day". The gobby German trucker says, " Oh yah, vot rig were you driving then?" After taking a long swig of his Pint of Newcastle Brown, the old fella replies..........
"A LANCASTER BOMBER!!..

Regards Rick.
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1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
KVE Member.
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  #894  
Old 19-06-15, 11:03
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Default

Three Aussie Telecom blokes Mongrel, Coot and Bluey are working in the outback up a mobile phone tower.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly...

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff...
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  #895  
Old 23-06-15, 00:52
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Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Default

Springtime in Canada:

Q-What follows two days of rain?

A- Monday.

regards
Darrell
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  #896  
Old 23-06-15, 05:01
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Private_collector Private_collector is offline
Tony Baker
 
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Location: Wide Bay, QLD, Australia.
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Default

After World War Two had ended, an English couple adopted a young German child, Wolfgang, who had become orphaned during the war. For five years they cared for the boy and gave him all the love he ever needed, but despite their best efforts, Wolfgang never spoke a single word. Being convinced this was a result of mental trauma, they didn't make a big deal about it, and just accepted that the poor lad may never speak again. One day, the mother decided to bake Wolfgang a special treat for his birthday, a nice apple strudel. The mother and father presented the pastry to the child and wished him happy birthday. Upon tasting the delicacy, Wolfgang turned to his adopted parents and clearly said.....This Apple Strudel is Tepid! The parents were instantly shocked at the statement, and more so for the fact Wolfgang had spoken. After regaining their composure, they asked the boy why he had chosen that moment to speak after being silent for all those years. Wolfgang looked at them both with a puzzled expression on his face and simply replied.....UNTIL NOW EVERYTHING HAS BEEN SATISFACTORY!!!
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  #897  
Old 04-07-15, 12:53
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Mike Kelly Mike Kelly is online now
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Location: Victoria Australia
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Default Football

Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart?

'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
* (Shane Wakelin).*

'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.'
*(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).*

'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
* (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).*

'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in
Groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
* (Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)..*

*Brock Maclean ( Melbourne )* on whether he had visited the Pyramids
During his visit to Egypt :
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'

'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
What time it is.'
*(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird*).

*Jonathan Brown*, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games
'It's basically the same, just darker.'

*Ron Barassi* talking about *Gary Cowton* 'I told him, 'Son, what is it
With you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

*Barry Hall* ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'

'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
*(Dermott Brereto*n).

' Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
* (Mark Williams).
*

'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
They scored.'
*(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles*).

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
* (Luke Darcy).*

'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which
Was identical.'
* (Dermott Brereton).*

'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of
Them serious.'
* (Adrian Anderson).*

'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
Thing again.
* (Andrew Demetriou).*

'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
There are none better.' *(Dermott Brereton).*

'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
Lifetime for that prat.' *(Terry Wallace).*

*Garry Lyon* : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
*David Swartz*: 'On what?'

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
*(Dermott Brereton).*

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
For even longer.'
* (Dermott Brereton).*


And the winner is....................*Dermott Brereton *
*(*It's not only blonde sheilas who're dumb)
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  #898  
Old 10-07-15, 05:07
colin jones's Avatar
colin jones colin jones is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 1,810
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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  #899  
Old 10-07-15, 09:26
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
Rick Cove
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Paynesville, AUSTRALIA
Posts: 1,863
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My mate said, "I like your Blitz."
I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby."
He said, "How about I buy it off you."
I said, "Yeah go on then. Five grand?"
He said, "You've got yourself a deal."
I said, "Nice one... you're going to make a brilliant dad!!..
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1916 Albion A10
1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
KVE Member.
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  #900  
Old 10-07-15, 19:06
Darrell Zinck's Avatar
Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: New Brunswick
Posts: 843
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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I got caught urinating in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard yelled at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to a bar last night and saw an obese chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
She giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

regards
Darrell
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