Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

THESE REALLY WORK!

I checked this out on the internet and it’s for real!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES, THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Aldi.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans’ he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

[aj.lec]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

[aj.lec]

Christmas Cheer

A man in Scotland phones his son in Londay the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

'"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

It comes from a catholic elementary school test.

Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.


1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, god got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandment was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached canada . Then joshua led the hebrews in the battle

of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John , the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew, who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity. He preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[Howard]

"Hey Mate, What are you up to on the week end?"
"I have to go down to Victoria to get some stuff, about a 5 or 6 hour round trip"
"Sounds good, I'll come with you for a bit of company for the long trip"
"Yeah, thanks mate, sounds good. It will be good to have a yarn & catch up..."

[Keith Webb]

Must be your relaxing driving.

Although here is a pic taken an instant later:

[Keith Webb]

This is long, hope it posts.
Should help educate our teenagers.



Source.

[lynx42]

So now maybe the younger generation will understand how it all came about.
Thats a good one Keith.
Rick

[RHClarke]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

This is long, hope it posts.
Should help educate our teenagers.

I note with interest that Australia gets a mention (rightly so), but nowhere could I find Canada's contribution...We may need futher education for the "educators"...

Other than that, our teens (those who can read) should find this interesting.

[Keith Webb]

Absolutely they should have included that! I wonder who created it originally.

AUSTRALIA: You can train our pilots.
CANADA: Whatevs.

[Keith Webb]

Believe it or not, there is a deer in this picture. You probably can’t see it because it’s camouflage coloured.

Link.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Friendly Holiday Advice

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes that just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.

Happy New Year..

[Keith Webb]

I liked this one...

Department of Labor investigation
The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

Department of Labor employee: That’s the guy I want to talk to… the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

[Barry Churcher]

Sask. Drunk, you just gotta love it!!!!

How many of our Officers would find the humour in this e-mail! After all, I am sure he was sitting there laughing at this guy the entire time.

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Estevan , Saskatchewan ..

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.

Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.

He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Saskie,
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Keith Orpin]

VERY. VERY BRAVE MAN
JOKES

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Hanno..

here is a defense the next time the fuzz stops you..tell them you are too big to fit in their puny little cells..LOL

Dutch lawyer: 'giant' client too big for jail
AP


By TOBY STERLING, Associated Press Toby Sterling, Associated Press – Fri Jan 28, 8:15 am ET

AMSTERDAM – A Dutch lawyer is attempting to get his client out of jail with an unusual argument: he's too tall and fat for his cell.

"He is a giant of a man, there's no way you cannot realize that as soon as you see him," said Bas Martens in a telephone interview Friday.

Martens said his client, 2.07 meters (about 6 feet 10 inches) tall and weighing 230 kilograms (500 pounds), is in a 10 square meter (12 sq. yard) cell.

The prisoner, identified under Dutch privacy laws as Angelo M., began serving an 18-month sentence for financial fraud in September.

Martens sought a court order at a hearing Thursday for Angelo to serve out his sentence under electronically monitored house arrest.

He said the prison facilities — Angelo's bed and the low toilet in his cell — are too small and so painful that his conditions violate European human rights law.

"He's not trying to escape his punishment: he suffers pain every day," Martens said.

Representatives of the prison in Krimpen aan de IJssel, in the country's southwest, could not immediately comment.

Martens said they argued in court that the prison adheres to national standards and they had made efforts to accommodate Angelo's needs.

But Martens said measures such as extending his bed with a piece of wood and giving him an extra mattress weren't good enough.

Court spokeswoman Paula Keuning said judges' written ruling is due on Feb. 8.

[lynx42]

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my son asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

He suggested I go down to theElderly CitizensClub and meet people of my own age.

I did this and when I got home last night I told him that I had joined a Parachute club.

He said "Are you friggin nuts?You're almost 63 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

Bloody oath I am and I proudly showed him that I even had a membership card.

He said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to the" Prostitutes Club", not a "Parachute Club!"

Shit! I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week?

Bugger me. Life as a pensioner is not getting any easier.

[gjamo]

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,

you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill

with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[RHClarke]

My friend stopped by the GM dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverdo truck. Just for fun, he took it out for a test drive.

The salesman (wearing a Michael Ignatieff (Liberal Party of Canada "leader") lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that they directed air to your buttocks, warm in the winter and cool in the summer.

Feeling like messing with his mind, my buddy mentioned that the vehicle must be a "Conservative" truck. Looking a bit miffed, he asked why he thought it was a "Conservative" truck. My bud explained that if it were a "Liberal " truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.

He had to walk back to the dealership. Some Liberals have no sense of humour.

[lynx42]

Your Liberals must be the same as our Labour Party. Plenty of smoke and promises but no sense, of humour or anything else.

[lynx42]

The Queen and President Obama
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport,
\President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London,
where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses,
and continue on towards Buckingham Palace,
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous
earth shattering f--t ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage
must use handkerchiefs over their noses.
The f--t shakes the coach,
but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama,
" Mr. President, please accept my regrets...
I am sure you understand there are some things
that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought..
. Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

My small grandson got lost at the mall. He
approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said, " Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk
car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but
I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl.

Now I have a beautiful home, a $55,000 car, a nice big King-size bed
and a large 54" flat-screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 66 year old
woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She advised me to go out and find
a hot 25 year old girl to sleep with, and she would make sure that I
would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's
problems.

[lynx42]

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-
tech should take note of the importance
of correct grammar.
I have noticed that many who text
message & email have forgotten the "art"
of capitalization.
Capitalization is the difference between
'helping your Uncle Jack off a horse' and
'helping your uncle jack off a horse'.

[colin jones]

Rick, I guess what you're saying!
If your grandma was lonely would you give her a "doggie"
Colin.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,

WE ARE AWESOME !!!

OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!









~~~~~~~~~

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!




First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank

While they were pregnant.




They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.




Then, after that trauma, we were

Put to sleep on our tummies

In baby cribs covered

With bright colored lead-based paints.




We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,

And, when we rode our bikes,

We had baseball caps,

Not helmets, on our heads.







As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..







Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.




We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.







We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.







We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.

WHY?




Because we were always outside playing...that's why!




We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

--And, we were OKAY.







We would spend hours building

Our go-carts out of scraps

And then ride them down the hill,

Only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..







We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were

No video games, no 150 channels on cable,

No video movies or DVDs,

No surround-sound or CDs,

No cell phones,

No personal computers,

No Internet and no chat rooms.







WE HAD FRIENDS

And we went outside and found them!







We fell out of trees, got cut,

Broke bones and teeth,

And there were no lawsuits

From those accidents.

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.





We ate worms, and mud pies

Made from dirt, and

The worms did not live in us forever.





We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and

-although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.






We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.







Little League had tryouts

And not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn

To deal with disappointment.




Imagine that!!







The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!







These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,

Problem solvers, and inventors ever.




The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas..




We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.







If YOU are one of those born

Between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!




You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.




While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.







Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

~~~~~~~

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Just great at what he does..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-v7TKdQ

[Lynn Eades]

I liked the bit about "the empty pages in French history books"

[Marc van Aalderen]

This is great! http://www.dumpert.nl/mediabase/1332..._de_n00bs.html