Some Funnies

[lynx42]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said, "Father.. During World War II, a beautiful
Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me
to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual
favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.


"Should I tell her the war is over?
_____

[lynx42]

I am very good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally
on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite
movie EVER!
DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR math, THEN compare the
results to the list of movies at the bottom
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits
together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies
below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Top Gun
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Hang 'em High
9. The Gillard Farewell Speech of 2013
10. The Manchurian Candidate
11. The Pretender
12. Shrek
13. The War Wagon
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. The Sands Of Iwo Jima


Now, isn't that something?

[lynx42]

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.

But her mummy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
A man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'
She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,'
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mum.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's always with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see, he was an Aussie soldier
And died, just this, past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
And taught, Australians to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.


And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far.

Anon.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

The Pope and Stephen Harper are on the same stage in the Maple Leaf Gardens in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Harper and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Harper replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[cliff]

can anyone tell me so I can get the point of Alex's joke!!!!

[Richard Farrant]

Originally Posted by cliff

can anyone tell me so I can get the point of Alex's joke!!!!

Cliff,
I'm glad you asked that question

[Ganmain Tony]

Canadian Prime Minister I think fella's...

Same joke going around Australia...just substitute Stephen Harpers name for Julia Gillard.

[hrpearce]

This was shown to me last night,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kpjnGWPmj0

[aj.lec]

Thats the one

[aj.lec]

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

[Howard]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it..."
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it."
"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it."
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... (God I miss him)."
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the Gillard Government, this time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

[Howard]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia just so that they can see their own doctor.

[Malcolm Shaw]

I was on holiday in Greece when i cut my foot on some rocks .

I asked for and received directions to the medical centre.

When i arrived i saw a sign on the wall next to the door.

It said `English speaking Doctors work here`.

I thought what a good idea, we should try that back home in England.

[colin jones]

A salesman called in to see a farmer and noticed a pig with a wooden leg. He asked the farmer "Why has that pig got a wooden leg"? The farmer replied, "never mind about the pig".
Again the salesman asked why the pig has a wooden leg. Eventually the farmer said, that pig saved my sons life. How did he do that! said the salesman. Well the farmer told him how his son was drowning in the dam and the pig swam out and saved the lad.
Rather puzzled, the salesman said, OK but what's that got to do with the pig having a wooden leg. The farmer replied, "Well with such a smart pig you just could'nt eat him all at once could you"!
Colin.

[lynx42]

Once upon a time there lived a King. King Midas. Everything he touched turned to Gold.
The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS.. But she also had a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare go near her let alone marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be
cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the Kings wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly ..
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she did turn red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was it that she felt in the Prince's pants?
*
*
*
*
*


M&M's of course.

"They melt in your mouth, not in your hand".
What were you thinking??
I WORRY ABOUT YOU LOT SOMETIMES!!!!

[Keith Webb]

As seen on Bits and Pieces:

[motto]

DAS BOOT!

David

[Keith Webb]

"I'm never wearing that Canada T shirt again!"

[lynx42]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[aj.lec]

Why We Love Children

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad...'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3.. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
son of a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown..'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

[hrpearce]

Only those who have used an outside dunny would appreciate this.



The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they there,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies lavatory, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three Sheila's before.

She missed the foot bridge - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a acacia sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.




He'd wait until the dams got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike...

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

[Howard]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Howard]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...
'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.
'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things go..'
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[Keith Webb]

German messaging

[Bruce MacMillan]

An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight.
Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down..

We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so.
He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'

He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.


They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another,
with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more.
We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose!
Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'
Then he closed the door.
The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
Merry Christmas

[Tony Smith]

DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR WITH SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER

It is so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runsdown my whole body. Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

'FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.'

No wonder I have been gaining weight!


Well, I have thrown out that shampoo, and I am going to start showering with Sunlight dishwashing soap instead. Its label reads:

'DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE'

Problem solved! If I don't answer your emails, I'll be in the shower!

[Howard]

Originally Posted by Tony Smith

... If I don't answer your emails, I'll be in the shower! ...

I hope you don't have the same problems as This bloke!

[Phil Waterman]

Hi All

This was just sent me for our club newsletter, wondering if we should include it as a club activity? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnqUyz3R4sA

Cheers Phil

[Little Jo]

A true blue bushie! Always tells the truth and states the obvious!
The Great Australian Drover


Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."