Some Funnies

[Ganmain Tony]

Socialism - You've got two cows, the goverment takes both and gives you the milk.

Facism - You've got two cows, the goverment takes both and sells you the milk.

Nazism - You've got two cows, the government takes both and shoots you!

Liberalism - You've got two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.

Labourism - You've got two cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away!!!

[aj.lec]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[aj.lec]

The Church Gossip..


Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business... Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence..
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon...




She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away he didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing.






Later that evening,

Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home..... and left it there all night !!!


(You gotta love Frank!)

[Keith Orpin]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE



1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.



They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.



Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.



We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks some of us took hitchhiking.



As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.



We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC or Subway.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!



We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Fruit Pastilles and some fireworks to blow up frogs with.



We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......



WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!



We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.



No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.



We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and played in streams with matchbox cars.



We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no videogames at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape or DVD movies, nosurround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really!


We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned



HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL!



And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!



You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.



And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.



Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot

Keith

[Harry Moon]

This is the only way to deal with thieves....

ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.
I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running
to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.

Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and
was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.
[That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto
... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Found this on G503. . .

A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear..........

“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”

[Barry Churcher]

Newfoundland Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Newfie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a
firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan .

[aj.lec]

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,

I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country

voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats,

some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle

dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback

country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set

off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at

just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.


"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best

beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best

coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and

chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a

drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a

grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the

cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath,

shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments

later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the

dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went

back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen

came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the

barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look

under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"


"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog

in the bar with two arseholes"..

[Barry Churcher]

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia ,
a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, obviously stalled and who was swathed
in protective clothing and helmet.


"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.


"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from
the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ....

[cliff]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted..

The end

[Keith Webb]

I know this is a rehash of an oldie but it's appropriate today:

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right behind the goal square. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty"

This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbor says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966."

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

[gjamo]

> Tools and their uses:
>
> 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted
> part you were drying.
>
> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "SH**!!!"
>
> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes
> until you die of old age
>
> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>
> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle:
> It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
> more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
> becomes.
>
> 6. VICE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available,
> they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
> objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
> wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles,
> they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've
> been searching for.
>
> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after
> you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
> firmly
> under the bumper bar.
>
> 10. 100x50 HARDWOOD WALL STUD : Used to attempt to lever a vehicle off a
> hydraulic jack handle.
>
> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially hardwood.
>
> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
> hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading
> mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog faeces from your boots.
>
> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>
> 16. CRAFTSMAN 12mm x 500mm SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that
> inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on one end.
>
> 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which
> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
> main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm
> howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle
> of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin
> oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
> implies,
> to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
>
> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power plant 200 kilometres away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
> tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
>
> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 10mm too short.
>
> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is now used
> as a divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object you
> are
> trying to hit.
>
> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
> containing
> upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the hand not
> holding
> the knife
>

[sapper740]

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, 'I Hope Not; It's only 2130 now.

[Barry Churcher]

SIGN IN A BUSINESS WINDOW, HERE IN ONTARIO!!!!


"WE WOULD RATHER
DO BUSINESS WITH
1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS
THAN WITH ONE SINGLE CANADIAN SOLDIER!"


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Ontario and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory sign.


However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps one of our greatest liberties.


And after all, it is only a sign, right?

You may ask :
"What kind of business would dare post such a sign?"

















Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)


You gotta love it!!!

God Bless Canada and keep our Troops Safe and Well











--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Keith Webb]

Tractor square dance here.

Let's do a CMP version. Be easier with the roofs removed.

[Phil Waterman]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Tractor square dance here.

Let's do a CMP version. Be easier with the roofs removed.

Keith sounds like a great idea, but lets use 158" wheel base CMPs given their turning circle the dance floor would only need to be mile or two on the side.


Cheers Phil

[Jeff Gordon]

Did you notice one of the "ladies" had a beard. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

[Bruce MacMillan]

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an NSW sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an NSW sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe

[Bruce MacMillan]

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

[Lynn Eades]

Are you a mechanic? I laughed until my head hurt so much, that I had to stop reading, until it stopped. Then my wife reading over my shoulder set me off again. Isn't that stuff so "on the nail"

[james roy]

Comics from the Maple Leaf reprinted in "Herbie" by Bing, 1947

[Gordon Yeo]

If anyone is interested in seeing more of the misadventures of Herbie a reproduction of 'Herbie Wus Here' was available from Lee Valley Tools as part of a reproduction series of books they had for sale. It is a collection of the cartoons Bing Coughlin did during WW2. Some cartoons are delightfully ribald and politically incorrect soldier humour.

[Keith Webb]

How to make a car roller coaster.

This is in two parts.

Just as well you can't do this to a CMP.

[Howard]

At Last... A solution!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lntC9bHmguc

[hrpearce]

Keith I hope I'm not that crazy
Howard where do I get a signpost like that I think I need a speed limit on my drive

[aj.lec]

Dear Dr. Phil,


When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime --barramundi fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves barramundi fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.


As I said my wife doesn't care about fishing She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful barramundi you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice barramundi that we caught and showed the picture to my wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell my wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two barramundi we caught.

LOOK AT THUMBNAIL
Dr. Phil replies:


Dear Jack,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife..
That's a nice pair of barramundi!!

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil

[gjamo]

An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week, which I quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

"The firearm death rate in Washington , DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means you are about 25 percent more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq."

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington ..

Graeme

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

Thought these might appeal to the Forum membership.

regards
Darrell

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

A few more with a military theme.

regards
Darrell

[Darrell Zinck]

Hi

And finally.........

regards
Darrell