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  #901  
Old 13-07-15, 02:42
Little Jo's Avatar
Little Jo Little Jo is offline
Tony VAN RHODA
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Strathalbyn South Australia
Posts: 877
Cool RCMP Frozen Carburetor Incident

Hi All

RCMP Frozen Carburettor Incident

Sometimes humour comes in a coarse way- but its still funny.
You know, people complain about the RCMP, (Royal Canadian Mounted Police),
But you rarely hear about the positive things that they do, such as this one:
Frozen Carburettor Incident:
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day months ago in Northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne....."

Cheers

Tony
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  #902  
Old 13-07-15, 09:17
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
Rick Cove
 
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Default

The Greece Bailout Explained.

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the Greek bailout package works.
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1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
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  #903  
Old 14-07-15, 20:31
Hans Mulder Hans Mulder is offline
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Default

One problem with the whole scenario - in reality, the German doesn't get his money back, and gets asked for more.
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  #904  
Old 11-09-15, 13:40
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
Rick Cove
 
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Default Anyone want to take a shot at the odds of this ever happening again?

A true story from Associated Press.


Anyone want to take a shot at the odds of this ever happening again?

For those who have served on a jury, this one is something to think about.
Just when you think you have heard everything!
Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would
attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science (AAFS),
President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped
from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a
note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window,
which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware
that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to
protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able
to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was
threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the
window, striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'
When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old
man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr.
Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the
son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,
loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder
even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He
had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story
building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through
the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself.
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1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
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  #905  
Old 20-09-15, 21:52
Bill Murray Bill Murray is offline
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Default

This popped up on one of my automotive sites today.
Quite entertaining but NSFW.

Bill


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKef1JFpiCA
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  #906  
Old 24-09-15, 10:41
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Not exactly funny, but a good use for an armoured vehicle.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQ-8xj8CUZw
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1916 Albion A10
1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
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  #907  
Old 26-09-15, 09:57
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Little Jo Little Jo is offline
Tony VAN RHODA
 
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Location: Strathalbyn South Australia
Posts: 877
Default Scotsman

Hi All

Here is one for our Scottish members.

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on
to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee
wife before leaving and said, "Maggie - put your hat and coat
on, lassie."


'She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice. Are you
taking me tae the pub with you?"


'Nay," Jock replied
"I'm turning the heater off while I'm oot.'

Cheers

Tony
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  #908  
Old 30-09-15, 08:11
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Hanno Spoelstra Hanno Spoelstra is offline
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Default VW damals....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill Murray View Post
This popped up on one of my automotive sites today.
Quite entertaining but NSFW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKef1JFpiCA
Very funny! Did you know they were already planning and scheming this from the beginning?

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  #909  
Old 30-09-15, 15:03
Bill Murray Bill Murray is offline
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Default

Did you mean to reference Lynx 42 post or mine????

Bill
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  #910  
Old 01-10-15, 00:16
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Hanno Spoelstra Hanno Spoelstra is offline
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill Murray View Post
Did you mean to reference Lynx 42 post or mine????
Bill,

Sorry, yours! Now corrected.

Had to look up NSFW.....you learn something everyday.

Hanno
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  #911  
Old 02-10-15, 09:24
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Hanno Spoelstra Hanno Spoelstra is offline
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Default Dieselgate

Endless possibilities for making fun about this

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  #912  
Old 24-11-15, 10:36
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

IDIOT SIGHTING.
My son and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Bairndsale Victoria.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW
IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
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1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
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25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
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  #913  
Old 19-01-16, 13:00
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Howard Howard is offline
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Smile Ok, ok

Some of you will love these (like me, Ryan...) Some of you won't
Source Here
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Some people have got photoshop skills!
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  #914  
Old 10-02-16, 01:01
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Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Location: New Brunswick
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Default

Teacher Arrested At Airport

A high school teacher was arrested today at the Toronto Ontario Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne
said she believes the man is a member of the notorious
extremist Al-Gebra movement.

She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the RCMP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Premier said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns"; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Trudeau said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
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  #915  
Old 20-02-16, 09:29
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
Rick Cove
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Paynesville, AUSTRALIA
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Default Notes by a Canberra airport ticket agent. Aussies will understand.

Do you know why our Government is in the shape that it's in! How could anyone be this DUMB? I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just got to spread it around.

This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication of how much trouble our country is in.

A Canberra airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:

1. I had a politician Julie Bishop ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. I ask you, on an aeroplane?

2. I got a call from a Queensland politician (Katter) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to CapeTown . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,” I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Queensland”. Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cooktown is in Qld, Capetown is in Africa.” His response, silence.

3. Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, “don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

4. I got a call from a politician’s wife Landra Reid who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No” She said, “But they look so close on the map”.

5. Aide for a cabinet member Janet Napolitano once called and asked if she could rent a car in Sydney. I pulled up the reservation and noticed she had only a 1-hour layover in Sydney. When I asked her why she wanted to rent a car, she said, “I heard Sydney was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.”

6. Independent(Wilkie)called last week. He needed to know how it was possible that his flight from Sydney left at 8:30a.m., and got to Perth at 8:33a.m. I explained that Sydney was three hours ahead of Perth , but he couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told him the plane went really fast, and he bought that.

7. Former Federal Treasurer Joe Hockey called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said,”No, why do you ask?” He replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I think that's very rude.” After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. I was dying laughing. I came back and explained the city code for Fraser Island is (FAT - Fraser Air Terminal),the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. Senator Bronwyn Bishop a former Speaker of the House and a serial travel extravagant (at taxpayers’ expense) called to enquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”


9. I just got off the phone with a Labour politician, Peter Garrett who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have that number on them.”

10. Peter Slipper, Queensland Snoozetician called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane.
He said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty.”

11. Mary Landrieu, Kevin Rudd's aide called and had a question about the documents she and her boss needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. “Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this, she said “Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express”

12. Former Prime Minister Julia Gillard called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said. “Are you sure that's the name of the town?”
“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied Ms Gillard. After some searching, I came back with, “I'm sorry, I've looked up every airport
code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
Julia said, “Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don't mean Buffalo, do you?” The reply, “Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”
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1916 Albion A10
1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
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  #916  
Old 22-02-16, 20:53
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Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Location: New Brunswick
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Default People "winter" differently................

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through”.

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”.

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get
through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to peroxide blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"
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  #917  
Old 23-02-16, 08:17
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
Rick Cove
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Default How old were you when you first heard this one.

This oldy has just resurfaced, I reckon I heard it 55 years ago.

An Irish Mother’s Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can’t read very fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in 7 days, up she comes. Your loving Mother, P.S. I was going to send you 5 pounds, but I have already sealed the envelope."

Regards Rick.
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1916 Albion A10
1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
KVE Member.
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  #918  
Old 12-03-16, 03:32
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
Rick Cove
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
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Default Life in the Australian Army...

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan..
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1916 Albion A10
1942 White Scoutcar
1940 Chev Staff Car
1940 F30S Cab11
1940 Chev WA LRDG "Te Hai"
1941 F60L Cab12
1943 Ford Lynx
1942 Bren Gun Carrier VR no.2250
Humber FV1601A
Saracen Mk1(?)
25pdr. 1940 Weir No.266
25pdr. Australian Short No.185 (?)
KVE Member.
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  #919  
Old 27-06-16, 03:01
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
Rick Cove
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Paynesville, AUSTRALIA
Posts: 1,863
Default Funny Ebay advert for a good laugh.

Want a god laugh? Look at this ebay for sale advert and read the questions and answers at the bottom of the advert. Look at the price too. Some people are not understanding the humour.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Barn-find-ki...-/182183637723


NEW BARN FIND KIT

Add thousands to your classic cars value! Sometimes when your selling a car you need to put in some elbow grease and really present it in the best way to attract buyers and capitalize on your investment.

This amazing product is guaranteed to work on all makes and models. (*note offer not valid for JD Camira, 1st Generation Hyundai Excel, Saab 9000 turbo and AU series 1 Falcon Forte, face it your not getting your money back when you sell any of those).

Put that bucket and sponge away, what we have here is your ticket to financial freedom.
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  #920  
Old 17-07-16, 19:11
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Hi

A coupla good ones:

regards
Darrell
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  #921  
Old 22-08-17, 11:20
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Two prawns

TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
(You're going to love this................................)
.
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
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  #922  
Old 03-09-17, 09:17
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Political Correctness

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Quote:
Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins.

One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!

Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington DC.
Regards Rick.
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  #923  
Old 03-09-17, 11:39
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Tony Smith Tony Smith is offline
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You shouldn't laugh, I'm surprised that no-one yet has complained about one of NZ's Rugby teams, the Crusaders. Christchurch has to be one of the world's friendliest cities (lots of nice towns, but a city the size of Chch?), a truly pleasant place that would offend nobody, but someone sooner or later has to object to the name Christ-Church Crusaders as being three ways obscenely oppressive to minorities.
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  #924  
Old 03-09-17, 17:47
Mike Cecil Mike Cecil is offline
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The ALL BLACKS - clearly a racist team name, surely?

We can all joke and laugh, especially on this free-ranging and very very funny thread (thanks Rick: you come up with some gems!), but I have to wonder where this revisionist history we are currently seeing in various democracies (and the USA, which is actually a Constitutional Republic, not a democracy), will end. Jokes on us. Back to the humour....

Mike
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  #925  
Old 04-09-17, 02:51
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Location, Location, Location,

Location, Location Location

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."

In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

In Kansas , he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend.

In Montana , he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina , Virginia , WV, Mississippi , Tennessee , Kentucky , South Carolina and Minnesota he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

Texas he'd just be "Bubba; who's a little short on ammo."

And here in Australia they would call out the Army to deal with him.
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  #926  
Old 02-02-18, 14:47
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Darrell Zinck Darrell Zinck is offline
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Default Air Force Range Day

Hi

Im preparing to take a course of Army black beret types to an MG and 40mm grenade launcher ranges and it got me thinking of the last time I had to run the Air Force thru a rifle range.

regards
Darrell
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  #927  
Old 11-04-18, 19:21
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Default Absent without Leave - 7 years

Quote:
AWOL Private Returns After Seven Years With Box Of Grid Squares

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Pvt. Steven Gerner disappeared seven years ago, officially listed as AWOL. His family, friends and Army buddies all assumed he’d had an accident or lost his nerve and no one ever expected to see him again. He returned yesterday, only to find himself arrested by Military Police. What happened in between is a tale too implausible to be disbelieved.

Pvt. Gerner joined the Army in 2004 out of Sangre de Cristo, Arizona. He reached his first assignment, to the infantry, in 2005, eager to please and wanting to belong.

“Well, it was my first day, and I guess I was pretty nervous and not really sure of what to do,” said Gerner. “Before I had even reported in to the first sergeant, a sergeant, and two specialists walked up to me. Of course, I did what I was trained to do, and immediately snapped to the position of parade rest and gave them all the greeting of the day.”


He continued: “After that, they started laughing and talking among themselves about ‘this gay-ass slick-sleeve saying good morning,’ whoever that was. Before I knew it, the Sergeant was in my face and told me to find a box of grid squares. I tried to explain I didn’t know where to find that! Hell, I didn’t even know where the unit supply office was, but he didn’t relent.”

Soldiers new to units often become the subject to pranks that are as old as the Army itself. Often, these pranks involve seasoned soldiers sending the new Private on a quest for objects that don’t exist. Chem light batteries, exhaust samples, frequency grease, and muzzle blast have been sought after by well-intended, yet unaware, junior soldiers.

Former Sgt. Zachary Willburn, who sent Gerner to find the box of grid squares, took a break from “smoking flavored tobacco” to speak with Duffel Blog by phone from his home in Boulder, Colo..

“Yeah, Gerner. That guy went AWOL his first day after I told him to get some grid squares. I’ve never seen someone take off so fast. Me and the other guys had a pretty big laugh, but, uh, we kinda expected him to come back a few minutes later. I never saw him again after that,” said Willburn. “After a few days, they officially marked him as AWOL. We all though he deserted because we were heading to Iraq in a month.”

Gerner claims to have found the elusive box of grid squares in a remote region in the Himalayan Mountains. “At first, I spent about a year traveling across the United States, Canada, and then South America. After I couldn’t find it in Colombia, I almost gave up hope–you can find anything in Colombia. That’s when I caught a flight to the Middle East. I figured, it’s the cradle of civilization; if this exists, it has to be there.”

When asked how he was able to afford the airline tickets, Gerner explained, “Apparently when they marked me AWOL they never stopped my pay, so I just used what I had at the time to move around. I also got tax free pay and combat pay while my unit was in Iraq for 18 months. I filled out travel vouchers through the Defense Travel System over the course of the last seven years, but I still haven’t seen any of that money.”

While he ultimately found the mystical box, Gerner relates some dark times during his journey. “Once, I was making my way across Iraq and ran into a pretty crazy firefight. The other soldiers were screaming at me, telling me to ‘get inside the wire,’ whatever that means, but I told them I had to go find a box of grid-squares or my Sergeant was going to kill me. They all started laughing until some stuff started falling out of the sky and blowing up, I think they might have been the air-launched improvised explosive devices that I heard about at Basic Training.”

Gerner’s quest had a happy ending, after one final twist.

The official report released from Gerner’s unit states that he returned to his unit Friday morning with an odd-shaped box, after being marked AWOL seven years ago to the day. The current company commander, Capt. Gregory Schwarz, was stunned.

“Private Gerner was arrested for desertion, but the interviewing JAG officer released him as soon as he heard his story. He won’t be receiving Non-Judicial Punishment, or a Court-martial for being AWOL, as it has been found he was simply following orders. Truthfully, he was officially separated from the Army after his six year contract was up.”

Schwarz elaborated, “In light of his actions, a review board has found in his favor and will be upgrading his Dishonorable Discharge to an Honorable Discharge. He has also been awarded the Iraq campaign medal with two stars, the Global War on Terrorism Expeditionary medal, and the Afghanistan Campaign medal with one star, as we found in our investigation he traveled through all of these areas while looking for this box.”

“Gerner was also awarded four Army Commendation Medals due to his unit being deployed four times during his 7 year journey,” he added.

Gerner’s mother was ecstatic at the news of her son’s return.

“I’m so proud of my baby boy. We were so worried while he was gone. I guess I’ve always kind of known my son was destined for great things, ever since that large black recruiter with the sunglasses on told me when he was just a child, ‘he’s the One.’ I didn’t know what he meant at the time, but now it’s all so clear.”

His recruiter, Sgt. First Class Stokes, recounted of his meeting with the then 18 year old shortly before he signed his papers, sealing his fate. “He asked me about Iraq. I said, ‘unfortunately, no one can be told what Iraq is. You have to see it for yourself.'”

Even though his journey was harrowing at times, Gerner expresses nothing but fond memories of his time in the Army, especially when he searched in Tahiti for three years.
https://www.duffelblog.com/2013/01/a...-grid-squares/



regards
Darrell
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  #928  
Old 16-07-18, 00:44
lynx42 lynx42 is offline
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Default Golf Anyone?

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says. "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong
play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
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  #929  
Old 01-08-18, 02:52
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Default Blitz Gearbox

Two Aussies were out hunting in the Outback, and suddenly came across a huge hole in the ground. They were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old Blitz gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

So they picked up the Blitz gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted to three and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They stared at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old stockman sauntered up. "You blokes didn't happen to see my goat, by any chance?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred kilometres an hour and jumped head first into this hole!"

The old stockman said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old blitz gear box! . . ."
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  #930  
Old 01-08-18, 02:54
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Default Throwing an old Ford Blitz Gearbox down a hole.

Two Aussies were out hunting in the Outback, and suddenly came across a huge hole in the ground. They were amazed at its size.

The first said, "Wow, that's some hole! I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second said, “There's an old Ford Blitz gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

So they picked up the Ford Blitz gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted to three and heaved it in.

As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat came crashing through the underbrush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first.

They stared at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old stockman sauntered up. "You blokes didn't happen to see my goat, by any chance?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred kilometres an hour and jumped head first into this hole!"

The old stockman said, "Nah, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old Ford Blitz gear box! . . ."
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