Some Funnies

[hrpearce]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[aj.lec]

Vet school

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary
Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his
mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students..

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Funniest tax time add staring Newfoundland's funny man Rick Mercer..and the man in black...a reminder for Rick to pay his taxes..
Hope you get a laugh out of this ..It's a couple of years old but I still t6hink it is one of the funniest adds on You Tube..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_XT-T_naCA&NR=1

[Keith Webb]

This would have to come under the banner of bizarre, but is nonetheless an interesting use of flash animation with some clever 'rag doll' kinetics thrown in.
She's falling

[Mike K]

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...


Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran o ut into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and c alled in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[aj.lec]

Thought this was topical ...


Better than a Flu Jab!



Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
and kindness to all.
One afternoon the Vicar
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
with water,
and in the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
with tea and scones,
they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity


about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist .
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
the Park a few months ago
and I found this little package
on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu all winter.'

[aj.lec]

A woman sitting in a Darwin Pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration
'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'