|
|
|
|
#1
23-06-09, 12:23
|
||||
|
||||
First aid procedure
A woman sitting in a Darwin Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her. Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!! With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'
__________________
Have a good one  Andrew Custodian of the "Rare and Rusty" 
|
|
#2
23-06-09, 19:06
|
|||
|
|||
|
Scottish butcher joke
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?" "Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin
|
|
#3
24-06-09, 11:19
|
||||
|
||||
|
The young girl who just got her first job at a hardware store was about to serve her first customer.
Good morning sir what can I get you. The man replies " I would like a file thanks " Which one would you like, she says. "I'll have that bastard up there". Well the young girl was horrified at the mans language and asked him to leave. The manager heard this and explained to the young girl, that it is in fact a bastard file and the man was not being rude. An short time later, another man came to the counter. Good morning sir, how can I help you this wonderful morning. " I want a file thanks" certainly sir, which bastard would you like. The man look at the girl and pointed at the wall and said, " I'll have that f....ker over there.?? 
|
|
#4
06-09-09, 13:34
|
||||
|
||||
|
Just wanted to say
Quote:
__________________
Pax Vobiscum.......may you eat three meals a day & have regular bowel movements.
|
|
#5
07-09-09, 14:34
|
||||
|
||||
|
Political Ideology - Explained by a Farmer
Socialism - You've got two cows, the goverment takes both and gives you the milk.
Facism - You've got two cows, the goverment takes both and sells you the milk. Nazism - You've got two cows, the government takes both and shoots you! Liberalism - You've got two cows, you sell one and buy a bull. Labourism - You've got two cows, the government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away!!!
__________________
Pax Vobiscum.......may you eat three meals a day & have regular bowel movements.
|
|
#6
10-09-09, 10:30
|
||||
|
||||
|
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."
__________________
Have a good one Andrew Custodian of the "Rare and Rusty"
|
|
#7
10-09-09, 10:32
|
||||
|
||||
|
the church gossip
The Church Gossip..
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business... Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon... She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING ! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away he didn't explain, defend, or deny... He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... Walked home..... and left it there all night !!! (You gotta love Frank!)
__________________
Have a good one Andrew Custodian of the "Rare and Rusty"
|
|
#8
10-09-09, 14:21
|
|||
|
|||
|
Bet you pass this on
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks some of us took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC or Subway. Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Fruit Pastilles and some fireworks to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and played in streams with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no videogames at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape or DVD movies, nosurround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time.......no really! We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet! Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! PS -The big type is because your eyes are shot  Keith
|
 |
|
|
Hybrid Mode
