Some Funnies

[colin jones]

John O'rielly hoisted his beer and said,"Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now, and what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh, thats very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[aj.lec]

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.........