Some Funnies

Darrell Zinck · #1 06-06-11, 13:57

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Wild Weasel driver in Nam , but when they retired the Thud, all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. His voice trailed off as he mentioned something about going after those damned Chinese Commies across the border. But I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. And, after all he was wearing a threadbare olive green jacket with lots of zippers and a patch that said “The first one to light up, gets smoked”. So, why not give him a try?

The seedy old pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender handed the old fighter pilot a neat scotch whiskey and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" the old pilot said.

After a long pull from the glass, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered whiskey and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!".

aj.lec · #2 13-06-11, 05:58

Police stop

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

aj.lec · #3 13-06-11, 10:09

I said Paws to the wall you animals and spread em !

Bruce MacMillan · #4 23-06-11, 18:03

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," was the reply.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

aj.lec · #5 27-06-11, 09:27

This would be funny if there wasnt a hint of truth in it

Quote:

Lay Off Letter

Little wonder why this guy is boss. He is sharp! You can't be any fairer than this...

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Julia Gillard is our Prime Minister and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way because of their spending spree and proposed Carbon Dioxide tax.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty Rudd and Gillard bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change.....I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

lynx42 · #6 27-06-11, 14:55

AJ,
A great way to deal with such a problem.
Don''t know how that works though, as during the last 12 months, I haven't met 60 people who will admit to voting them in.
Rick

aj.lec · #7 27-06-11, 15:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by lynx42

AJ,
A great way to deal with such a problem.
Don''t know how that works though, as during the last 12 months, I haven't met 60 people who will admit to voting them in.
Rick

True
It is after all a minority government only supported by an even more inept and highly scary party the greens holding balance in the senate

Even scarier still 38% of people think they are doing a good job............ A lot of people must have failed economics at school

lynx42 · #8 02-07-11, 05:14

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything Different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down Again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Bert yah shoulda bought a hat, Bert, yah shoulda bought a hat."

Ganmain Tony · #9 04-07-11, 10:55

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.

hrpearce · #10 05-07-11, 11:52

I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving.

As you know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months.

Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks and watched the State of Origin with some friends and having far too much vino, and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.