Some Funnies

[cliff]

Alex if you or others reading these jokes cannot see the reason for me reminding posters that this is a family site by reading the few jokes posted just before the reminder then you should not laugh at them!

As to checking with other moderators first I am sure they would PM me off line asking what is up if they did not approve of my moderating style! plus this defeats the the task of been able to moderate instantly so you may as well have only 1 moderator.

As to giving long winded explainations to any moderating done as a volunteer I have only a certain amount of time and I don't think any member of this forum is so dim witted not to see my reasoning.

As to taking things too far I concider now this subject (my moderating) has gone far enough and I will not reply again!

Do you F**King understand?

PS> I laughed at the jokes concerned but did concider them better suited to a drunken party with folk who have RAT syndrome rather then posted on a family site.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second biker walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's coffee and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid his bill and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[Howard]

Gentlemen,
Thank you for your discussion, which I, for one, would like to consider now "closed". I, too, have been cautioned by a moderator when a joke has pushed the boundary... Let's move on & bring this thread back to what it's intention was... to bring a grin to the lips, and spread a little fun. THAT is a big part of what this forum is all about!

[Bob Moseley (RIP)]

South Australian border guards have been notified in case the raid is this way. Be warned.

Bob

[Hans Mulder]

A biker on a 10 speed was working his way up a hill on a hot day and having a tough go of it. A passing motorist in a corvette slowed down beside him and said "hang on the back of my car and I'll give you a lift to the top of the hill. If I am going too fast, ring your bell, and I'll slow down."

Five minutes later, near the top of the hill, another corvette passes them at high speed and the driver can't stand for this, so he accelerates to catch up, forgetting about the biker behind him.

The police constable set up on the bottom of the other side of the hill with a radar gun radios in and says "Sarge, you aren't going to believe this, I just clocked two corvettes going by side by side at 180".

Sarge replies "So what, go pull them over"

The constable replies "You are not going to belive this, but there was a guy on a ten speed behind them, ringing to pass".

[Howard]

Anger Management - by a man called Chris
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but who you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an arsehole!' And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'arsehole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an arsehole!'. It always cheered me up..
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an arsehole!' And hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first arswhole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an arsehole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea....
I called arsehole #1.
He said, 'Hello'
I said, 'You're an arsehole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
I said, 'Make me.'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asrsehole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home andI have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asrehole #2.
He said, 'Hello?'
I said, 'Hello, arsehole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your arse'
I answered, 'Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[Mike K]

Dear Prime Minister,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the Australian economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars for projects that nobody needs or wants e.g. insulation bats, Solar panels, School fund to have 3 assembly halls at ten times the price for 30 students. Why not use the following plan.

You can call it the Gillard Redhead Retirement Plan:

There are about 5 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them Â$ 2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Five million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car.
Five million cars or der ed - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy Â$100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!


Also
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell..

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay Â$400.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Goondiwindi almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in the feedlot at Bony Mountain?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wan der ing around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Australia to speak up!