Some Funnies

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA




To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Please look to your northern neighbour for reason and logic in a sound banking system. They too, are part of the British Commonwealth . Not a single bank was troubled enough to have to declare bankruptcy or whatever it is that you call it when your banks stop functioning and they close . . . taking innocent people’s money with it. Their system is the best in the commonwealth, nay, in the world!
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16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[Keith Webb]

17: All domestic electricity will now be 240v 50 Hz with proper 3 pin plugs. Your light switches shall be corrected so 'down' means on. Get used to it.

18: CMPs are more than acceptable because they were built to British specifications as you will now be on the correct side of the road.

19: You shall have holidays, not vacations.

20: Automotive terms such as 'hood' and 'fender' shall be brought into line with British standards.

[colin jones]

I was sitting on a bus the other day opposite a Hindu woman when she suddenly shut her eye's and stopped breathing. Then I saw the red dot on her head and realizes she was only on standby.
Colin.

[Howard]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John!" the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep.. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep.."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I went & buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well..." the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying bitch she is ...

[aj.lec]

Are you having a bad day?? read on...


I LOVE MY JOB :-)


This is even funnier when you realize it's real!


Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling
rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...



~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.


So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to
the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.


Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done.

In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as
fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator.


His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.


Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression
stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and
told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my ass was swollen shut.


So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I
love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!



Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[cliff]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[aj.lec]

Another Irish Joke

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester Airport....
The plane is in trouble so he calls the tower and says:
'HELP, HELP, HELP ! ! !
"Easter, Pancake Tuesday,
New Year's Eve,
Bank Holiday Monday,
Halloween, Bonfire Night,
Christmas,
Shrove Tuesday !"
Voice comes back and says:
'For f***'s sake Paddy.... it's Mayday !

[Little Jo]

To all my MLU friends….

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving . As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it. A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many REDS as well a heap of beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before – I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven one before.

Cheers

Tony