Some Funnies

[Howard]

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.

They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"John!" the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep.. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep.."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I went & buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well..." the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.

"She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying bitch she is ...

[aj.lec]

Are you having a bad day?? read on...


I LOVE MY JOB :-)


This is even funnier when you realize it's real!


Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling
rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...



~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I
wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.


So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the
sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to
the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several
times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.


Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was
done.

In agony I realized what had happened.


The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as
fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator.


His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,
along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.


Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression
stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but
my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and
told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two
days because my ass was swollen shut.


So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how
much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I
love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a
jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!



Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[cliff]

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

[aj.lec]

Another Irish Joke

Ryanair pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester Airport....
The plane is in trouble so he calls the tower and says:
'HELP, HELP, HELP ! ! !
"Easter, Pancake Tuesday,
New Year's Eve,
Bank Holiday Monday,
Halloween, Bonfire Night,
Christmas,
Shrove Tuesday !"
Voice comes back and says:
'For f***'s sake Paddy.... it's Mayday !

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Just for you Keefy..


1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3.Law of Probability-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
6.Variation Law-If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.Law of the Bath- When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
10.Law of Bio mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach.
11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Howard]

Help Needed Urgently!

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?

Yesterday I put in a bid for a "Cowboy Outfit" and now it seems I am only 6 minutes away from owning the Australian Labour Party.

[lynx42]

Are there any Collingwood fans out there?? Seems that they have all gone into hiding..

I hear that there is a new bra for female Collingwood fans.


Plenty of support but no cup.

[Little Jo]

To all my MLU friends….

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving . As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I have done something about it. A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some mates and had a few too many REDS as well a heap of beers. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before – I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident which was a real surprise since I had never driven one before.

Cheers

Tony

[Keith Webb]

...From the bits and pieces site:

[lynx42]

You know you're Australian if ...

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal
such as watering the garden.

* You're liable to burst out laughing whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.
You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way toMaccas.'

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Beetroot with your Hamburger... Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'and "Living next door to Alice".

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel hasbecome smaller
with every passing year.

* You wear ugg boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude,
While 'scuse me' is always polite.

* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o : arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc.

* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss.
But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet
- to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the Salad.

* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You understand what "no wucking furries" means.

* You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.

* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, But not as good asbarra. Or a meat pie.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.

[Keith Webb]

I must not be a true Australian. This is a dreadful aberration.

* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

It's more like "Melb'n". 'Mel-bin' is a Hollywood approximation.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga'

It can also be called 2 wogs.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

That may have been the case before they were made with plastic covers.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.

Not when the current PM says it. (See point 1).

You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

NOT.

[lynx42]

Please find below a few suggestions for fixing Australia 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan..

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....and there's your money back in duty/tax etc

6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down.


It can't get any easier than that!

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by lynx42

You know you're Australian if ...
* You wear ugg boots outside the house.

Oh, so they are real Australian Sheila's slogging about the streets here!