Some Funnies

[Little Jo]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.

"Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."The entire congregation held its breath."I just want to tell my wife the word is Sternum."

[Howard]

One for the mathematicians amongst us


On another note, I Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them that anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

[Howard]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[Howard]

Isn't this the truth ??

User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?
Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a new one.
User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?
Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
Website: No, you must get a new one.
User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.
User: ok, roses
Website: Sorry you must use more letters.
User: pretty roses
Website: you must use at least one number.
User: 1 pretty rose
Website: you cannot use blank spaces.
User: 1prettyrose
Website: you must use additional letters.
User: 1f*ckingprettyrose
Website: you must use at least one capital letter.
User: 1F*CKINGprettyrose
Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
User: 1F*ckingprettyrose
Website: you must use additional letters.
User: 1F*ckingprettyroseshovedupyourarseifyoudon'tgiveme accessrightf*ckingnow

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used.

[Keith Webb]

Very capably caught by Dan Piraro.

[maple_leaf_eh]

http://www.dormstormer.com/random/ne...vandalism-vine

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Very capably caught by Dan Piraro.

When I visited the Hoover Dam, the tour guide made the same dam jokes. Like he was "one of those dam guys, telling dam lies the whole dam day", etc.

H.

[Little Jo]

Goo'bye Gran'Dad!
Only Australians can write poetry, and relate to Australian icons!

If you have a good memory, lived on a farm or ever went camping,
you will know what's meant, when you read this Classic Aussie Poem.


Poor old Gran'Dad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.


The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable had ta have his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite with no trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space!

No-one had a clue at all, the Judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death!'

'This 'ere 'exploration mob' had been lookin' at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!

Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - and never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Gran'Dad would pass away that night!
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Gran'Dad didn't know
The dunny was re-located, when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Gran'Dad did his dash?
Well, he always used to hold his breath........
Until he heard the splash!!