Some Funnies

[Keith Webb]

Rush hour in Australia

[RHClarke]

Justified?

[oldlithgow]

[aj.lec]

A Tap on the Shoulder

A supposedly true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . ..
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver
a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and
stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said,
"I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

[motto (RIP)]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra. It's gridlocked, nothing can move at all.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks,"What's going on?.
"Terrorists have stormed parliament house during a sitting and have taken all our MPs hostage. They're asking $100 million ransom otherwise they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations".
"How much is everyone giving on average?" The driver asks.
The man replies, "roughly about four litres".

David

[Keith Webb]

Life imitates art...

[colin jones]

Two old guys, one 70 and one 75, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 75-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 75-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 70-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to eat the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me"

[lynx42]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

Rush hour in Australia

Meanwhile in Australia!!

299314_4343786109526_963573791_n.jpg

There is a shortage of parking areas.(or something.)

[Tony Wheeler]

President Calvin Coolidge

The 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, was not nicknamed 'Silent Cal' for nothing. He was well known for being a man of few words. Whilst seated at a dinner party next to poet and satirist Dorothy Parker, Parker said to him,

"Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose".

When Coolidge died in 1933, Dorothy Parker remarked, "How can they tell?"



Winston Churchill

Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."

Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."



Pope John XXIII

Wit and a sense of humour are not normally used to describe pontiffs. However, Pope John XXIII had a rich sense of humour and when a journalist asked,

"How many people work at the Vatican?"

The Pope replied, "About half".



Mahatma Gandhi

The leader of the Indian independence movement paid a visit to England in 1931. Whilst there, a reporter shouted out,

"What do you think of Western civilization?"

Gandhi instantly replied, "I think it would be a good idea".



Edna Ferber V Noel Coward

Playwright Noel Coward bumped in to his old friend novelist Edna Ferber who was wearing one of her tailored suits. Coward looked her over and said,

"Edna, you almost look like a man."

Ferber looked Coward over and said, "So do you"



Alfred Hitchcock

During the beginning of filming Alfred Hitchcock's drama film 'Lifeboat', actress Mary Anderson asked Hitchcock,

"What is my best side Mr Hitchcock?"

Hitchcock dryly responded, "You're sitting on it, my dear."

[colin jones]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
> She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
> In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
> The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
> Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.
> She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.
> As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[aj.lec]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
Trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
..
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

[Keith Webb]

Well I laughed. A little.

[Ganmain Tony]

Amanda, Felicity and Grace haven't met each other since leaving boarding school in Sydney. Amanda and Felicity both now live in England and since Grace was travelling there on holidays with Dudley, they caught up on Facebook and agreed to meet in London for lunch.

Amanda arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress and orders a bottle of champagne. Felicity arrives next wearing a classy looking grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses Amanda joins Felicity in a glass of champagne. Then Grace walks in, wearing a faded old tee shirt, blue jeans and battered old riding boots.

Amanda explains that after attending Oxford University, she married Julian, a partner in a London law firm and they bought a house in Kent. Susanna, their daughter is in the British equestrian team for the upcoming Olympics and they have a holiday home in Portugal.

Felicity tells them how she studied medicine in Edinburgh before becoming a surgeon. Her husband Phillip is an investment banker. They live in Surry, have an apartment at Knightsbridge and a holiday home in Italy.

Grace then explained that after leaving school she became pregnant and married Dudley, who has a struggling sheep farm, but she was proud of the fact he could stand five parrots, side by side on his erect penis.

Several hours later and halfway through the third bottle of wine Amanda bursts into tears and blurts out that her husband is really a plumber, her daughter has never ridden a horse and they live in a Manchester bed sit. Felicity shamed by her friend's honesty confesses she trained as a nurse's-aid and works at an old folks home with her husband. They own a caravan and once went on a camping holiday to Surry. Grace then sheepishly admitted that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg and flap its wings to stay on.

[lynx42]

Joke Of The Day: Never Ask A Gunny


A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated.

Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the Marines and actually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide.

The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The young officer answered,” why yes, sir. I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears.” The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. The General asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” She replied, “Well, sir, you have no ears.” The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (surprise). The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunny said, “Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses.” The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn’t mention my ears.

“And how do you know that I wear contacts?” The General asked. The sharp-witted Gunny replied, “Well, sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ####ing ears.”
-

[lynx42]

A man was telling his buddy “You won’t believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.”

“Holy Smokes,” replied the friend, “she actually said that?”

“Well, she didn’t put it quite like that. She actually said, ‘Dad, meet my new boyfriend– Mohammed. We’re going to work together on Hillary’s election campaign!’”

[Howard]

Well, I'm exhausted.
It has taken ages, but, at last... LINK