New Disease Breakout

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

NEW DISEASE BREAKOUT - B.A.R.S.
The World Health Organization (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages.

Believed to have started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.

Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 6:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter,
uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.

Oh gad...too EFFEN MUCH Geoff. Thats just so danged good. Wherever do you get these things... if I had to guess I would guess their the spawn of your drunken little grey cells

[DaveCox]

Also occurs Mondays - Tuesdays-Wednesdays-Thursdays etc.
Another symptom is forgetting where you live, leading to waking up in strange and sometimes embarassing places!

Originally posted by DaveCox
Also occurs Mondays - Tuesdays-Wednesdays-Thursdays etc.
Another symptom is forgetting where you live, leading to waking up in strange and sometimes embarassing places!

No doubt you speak from experience hey? Tell me more???

[DaveCox]

Not recently, once when YFS (young, free & single) I woke up in a rosebush about 1/4 mile from home! A few times I woke up in the morning and thought AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH or even YYYYUUUUUCCCKKK- but then who hasn't !

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Jif...
If any of these apply ,you may be on the road to recovery...

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &
fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around
the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced
teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly
or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your
face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding
the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
your buddy who works in the next office. Vodka vapor is seeping
out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste
crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to
get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your
ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

>> Indubitably
>> Innovative
>> Preliminary
>> Proliferation
>> Cinnamon
>>
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

>> Specificity
>> British Constitution
>> Passive-aggressive disorder
>> Loquacious Transubstantiate
>>
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

>> Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
>> Nope, no more booze for me
>> Sorry, but you're not really my type
>> Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
>> Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[Garry Shipton (RIP)]

Based on GWB's thread & symtoms provided by Al(excuse me while I sip my Molson Dry)Where was I?Oh yes!At lunch yesterday with friends of the ocean shipping community here in Old Montreal,I learned of a sub species of B.A.R.'s.It's called P.U.B.S.Under this sub species you may break out,uncontrollably,I may add ,of the "pitcher Disease"while having your barley soup(beer).The sub strains consist of international local symtoms.The first,as GWB mentioned at the top of this thread is an Irish symtom called Guinness,a dark evil experience.The Scots have their own species called"Tartan".Even in Canada we have our versions.In Toronto they have a sad version called"Blue" .Down in the Maritimes they break out in Alexander Keith's disease,and in New Brunswick,their's an animal disease called Moosehead.Even down under,where the people have the record of the world's leading consumption,they have Foster's disease.So the word is out,Avoid B.A.R.S. & P.U.B.S. by buying your 24's at your local LCBO or Liquer Store or wherever you may be.This haas been aa(HIC)public service announcement.
Now where's the hell my beer?