Some Funnies

[Mike Timoshyk]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??

AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave! Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a> significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

[Mike Timoshyk]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

[Jon Skagfeld]

Mike:

Was that Larry's Lethal Weapons in Detroit?

[Richard Coutts-Smith]

This was the poster put up by some caring japanese students in Sydney.
Rich.

[Barry Churcher]

good for you Aussies. I didn't get any of it.

Australian Citizenship Test



1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term 'died in the arse'?

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: 'In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.'

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) 'If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard 'up on blocks'? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter 'b' is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to 'prang a car' while doing 'circle work'?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin 'Bloody' Wilson, John 'True Blue' Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does "sinkin piss at a mates joint" and "getten para" mean?

[Max Hedges]

your right Barry good for a laugh
No 4 is a ripper
you do know what No 11 is don't you
and No 16 is a must
Max

[aj.lec]

no wonder CMPs are built so tough and slow
If all canadian truck drivers are like this one in manitoba .Apparently he tried to "hop it" at 55mph

[aj.lec]

AT LEAST THE AIRLINES HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR
WESTJET

You gotta love the Canadian sense of humour.

West Jet is an Airline with head office situated in Calgary , Alberta . West

Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture'

and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that

have been heard or reported:

On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you

want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight

attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here,

find a seat and get in it!'

-----------------------

On another West Jet Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the

pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will

be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance

the appearance of your flight attendants.'

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have.'

------------------------

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of

this airplane.'
-----------------------

'Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the

business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

---------------------------

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancouver Airport , a

lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

-------------------------

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Ontario, a flight

attendant on a West Jet flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the

overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell

everything has shifted.'

-----------------------

From a West Jet Airlines employee: 'Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to

Calgary . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,

and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't

know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised.'

---------------------

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from

the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If

you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting

with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your

favourite.'

-----------------------

'Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll

try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody

loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines.'

------------------------

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

compliments.'

-----------------------

'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything

left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please

do not leave children or spouses.'

---------------------------

And from the pilot during his welcome message: 'West Jet Airlines is pleased

to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!'

-----------------------------

Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The

flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and

I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's

fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,

it was the asphalt.'

------------------------------

Overheard on a West Jet Airlines flight into Regina , on a particularly

windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really

having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant

said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Regina . Please remain in your seats

with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our

airplane to the gate!'

------------------------------

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask

you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

---------------------

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his

ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required

the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,

and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of

his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had

gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir,

do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

-------------------

After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax , the attendant came on with,

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and

the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.

And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we

will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the

terminal.'

-----------------------

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you

folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge

to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll

think of West Jet Airways.'

-----------------------

Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to

smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light

'em, you can smoke 'em.'

-----------------------

A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport . After it reached a

comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the

intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to

Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg toMontreal . The weather ahead is

good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit

back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' 0Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally

spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of

mine!