Some Funnies

[Geoff Winnington-Ball (RIP)]

[Barry Churcher]

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate
of Stella and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'SO DOES 12 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

[PPS]

Originally Posted by Geoff Winnington-Ball

But there again Geoff is sharp on spotting those up to no good, and powerful on cleaning them out.

Paul.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Here's how to have some fun on a slow afternoon..


http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs...eature=related

[lynx42]

Alex, that's got to be one of the funniest call centre replies of all time. Thanks it is great. Rick

That was wild. Thanks for the laughs today!!!

[Les Freathy]

Alex
Thats a cracker i would like to try something on those lines but not sure the base of our bloody infuriating calls would understand the meaning of it so i will probably give the usual bo-----s and put the phone down
cheers
Les

Originally Posted by Les Freathy

Thats a cracker i would like to try something on those lines but not sure the base of our bloody infuriating calls would understand the meaning of it so i will probably give the usual bo-----s and put the phone down

Les, IIRC you are in the UK; if so register your phone number with the TPS and the junk calls will rapidly cease, those that creep through will terminate immediately with profuse apologies when mentioning the TPS.

http://www.mpsonline.org.uk/tps/

R.

[Howard]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are going through a divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

[Richard Coutts-Smith]

Tut Tut Howard, you've gone out on a limb with that one
Rich.

[aj.lec]

That divorce sounds a little wooden and one sided to me

[Howard]

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now
Heather has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who
can fill her shoe.

[Keith Webb]

Originally Posted by Howard

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now
Heather has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who
can fill her shoe.

I've got nothing against Heather's leg... trouble is neither has she.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Originally Posted by Keith Webb

I've got nothing against Heather's leg... trouble is neither has she.

Well just to get my two cents in ,I think Sir Paul got out of it cheep and got a leg up on Heather on that one..

[Gordon Yeo]

The judge hearing the case didn't agree with Heathers inflated claim against Sir Pauls holdings. Obvoiusly the judge didn't think she had a leg to stand on and only awarded, what was it 30 million pounds?

[Keith Webb]

I hope she doesn't drink; she'd be legless in half the time.

[Richard Coutts-Smith]

C'mon Jiff, this is getting ridiculous, its time to... (wait for it).... put your foot down!
Rich.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Well I think what she did to Sir Paul's lawyer was tasteless..
That woman has a bad habit of putting her foot in her mouth...

Dosen't Sir Paul's lawyer release the money to Heather..??
Pouring water over the lawyers head in the courtroom...
She may have bitten off more than she can chew..

[Tony Smith]

The marriage was doomed once they'd lost the urge to throw a leg over.

[Howard]

A friend of mine in the UK saw Heather waiting for a bus the other morning. My friend asked her how she was getting on.

OK one more...
After the Divorce hearing, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

[aj.lec]

They say when the judge read out the settlement Heather was hopping mad

[Howard]

I led her down to the grassy bank,
My hands were all a-quiver,
I undid her suspender belt,
And her leg fell in the River.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him...'Take me. young man...Take me!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, 'April Fool!' ...

And that's when I shot the little bastard!




(Jif...Where did she get you...????Hahahahahahaha!!)

[cliff]

Originally Posted by Howard

I led her down to the grassy bank,
My hands were all a-quiver,
I undid her suspender belt,
And her leg fell in the River.

Howard these jokes about Heather don't exactly leave me 'legless' with laughter!

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Nuff said...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/su....html?cpg=70H?

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.



Then he decided to write God a letter

requesting the $100.00.





When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.





The president was so amused that he instructed his

secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.



The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little

boy.





The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:







Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a $1 back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's in Petawawa, Ont

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." .......From Kingston, Ont.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. .....From the City of Pembroke

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."......Happened at Uplands in Ottawa

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Gatineau, QC

IDIOT SIGHTING: This happened at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.......This was a lunch at Suncor, Fort McMurray,Alberta

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.........A clerk at the Campbell's Bay Court House, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side.".... This was at the Ford dealership in Renfrew, Ont


STAY ALERT!.......They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !

[Hanno Spoelstra]

Originally Posted by Alex Blair

His reply, "I know. I already got that side."....

[Phil Waterman]

Hi Alex

I was just about to post some interesting video that I shot (winter has been to long here) well I read your posting and it was just to much, wife and I had a good laugh.

But I post the link to the video anyway (even it not as funny as your post) this is what the squirrels do to entertain our cats.

http://www.canadianmilitarypattern.c...rrel%20Fun.htm hit the links for the videos

Cheers

[Alex Blair (RIP)]

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.




The true story...

Creator of 'The Hokey Pokey' dies

(CNN) -- Every child in America, and almost every adult, knows the Hokey Pokey. You just put your right foot in and put your right foot out to perform one of the best-known circle dances in American history.

Its popularity belies its age, and conceals its author. The man who wrote the song, Larry LaPrise, died last week at 83 in Boise, Idaho.

He wrote the tune for the Sun Valley, Idaho, ski crowd in the late 1940s, but it took a recording by big band leader Ray Anthony to make the Hokey Pokey a nationwide phenomenon. (It appeared on the B side of the "Bunny Hop" single.)

LaPrise didn't receive royalties for the song until the 1960s, when its rights were purchased by country star Roy Acuff's publishing company.

In recent years, LaPrise worked in the post office in Ketchum, Idaho. Children often wrote him notes addressed to "The Hokey Pokey Man."