Some Funnies

[aj.lec]

Subject: The Lithgow Cow



>
> The only cow in a small town near Mudgee stopped giving milk. The people
> did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Lithgow for $200.
>
> They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was wonderful. It produced
> lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided
> to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They
> would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the
> bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever
> the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what
> approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could
> not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the
> Vet, who was very
> wise, what to do.
>
> They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our
> cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
> When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. An attempt from the
> side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a
> minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they
> bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we
> got the cow in Lithgow?"
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Lithgow"
>

[Tony Smith]

The Pope came to Australia for World Youth Day.

After visiting the small town of Dubbo for a large outdoor Mass, he was in high spirits. He said to his personal driver: "What a marvellous day this has been. The Mass was well attended, my sermon went down very well and it's such a lovely day for a Sunday Drive. Give me the keys and let ME drive for a change."
"But your Holiness, I can't do that! I'd lose my job and couldn't bear the guilt if anything went wrong!"
"Nonsense, what could go wrong out here? There's no-one around for miles, and I really feel like a drive. It's been years since I had the pleasure of a drive in the country."
"But your Holiness", said the Driver "If you haven't driven for years, do you still have a licence?"
"Look, I haven't forgotton how to drive, and these big wide, straight country roads wouldn't present a problem even for Me! For Heaven's sake, give me the keys!"
The Driver looked up the road, then looked down the road. There didn't seem to be any traffic about, and the roads were wide and flat. What could go wrong? And besides could he really deny the Holy Father?
"OK Father, but please promise me you'll be careful."

The Pope grabbed the keys with glee and leapt in the front, while the Driver reluctantly got in the back. The Pope gently pulled away, fussing about with the mirrors and controls. "Yes, yes, it's all coming back to me now! What fun! As his confidence grew, his speed slowly crept up and up, until the Driver cried in alarm from the back seat "Holy Father! Have mercy! Please slow down, your doing over 140!" The Pope just grinned and said: "Yes, isn't she a beauty, my son? Whoo-hoo!"

At that point, the Pope noticed a Police Patrol car pull out from behind a billboard with it's lights flashing. The Driver wailed "That's it! I knew this would happen. You aren't even licensed, and now you'll get done for speeding! Oh, Mea Culpa, what will happen to me?" The Pope said "Just quit your whinging. Raise the privacy screen and don't say a word. I'll be able to talk the Officer out of giving me a ticket."

After the Pope pulled over, the Policeman sauntered up to the window of the Limo and said " Driver, you were recorded travelling at a speed in excess of ..... OH MY GOD! IT"S YOU!!" In the back, he could see a shadowy figure clutching some Rosary Beads and genuflecting like crazy, while rapidly muttering a prayer. He hurried back to his patrol car and got on the radio. "Hey Sarge, it's Wilson. I've got a situation here and don't know what to do. I've pulled over a driver for speeding, but I can't give him a ticket."
"Why not, Wilson? Just issue the fine."
"But Sarge, it's someone really important!"
"Who, the Mayor?"
"Nope, bigger!
"Who, the Police Commisioner?"
"Nope, bigger."
"The Prime Minister?"
"No, the Big One. I think I've pulled over God, because He's got the bloody Pope as his chauffeur!

[aj.lec]

sorry about that tony I forgot you were down that way .My nephew sent it to me and he lived in lithgow for a While
I doubt if the dubbo police would recognise the pope or care either way .They are pretty savage and would book him anyway

one for the Canadians -if you know this bloke its probably a good idea to avoid him on the road

Subject: Alberta Driver

Must of been a green light that kept him/her going, i think!!
Now here's one tough Dodge truck. This happened in Vernon , B.C

The driver hit the left turn light at 48th Ave. And 27th St. shearing it off at the base, and then kept driving on about 2 km to Squires Four Pub.

Where he stopped for more beer!! How pissed do you have to be to NOT notice that you are carrying a lamp standard?

(Notice that there is an Alberta plate on the truck. No one said anything about a smart driver.)

The truck was towed about 2.5 km, with the light still pinched between the two tow hooks and bent bumper,

To the Vernon Towing yard, where it took several good hard pulls with a backhoe to get the pole free.

[aj.lec]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish

you were married, or wish you weren't married, this

is something to smile about the next time you see a

bottle of wine:


Sam was driving home from one of his business

trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly

Navajo man walking on the side of the road.


As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped

the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.



With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.



Resuming the journey, Sam tried in vain to make

a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old

man just sat silently, looking intently at

everything he saw, studying every little detail,

until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sam.



'What in bag?' asked the old man.



Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's

a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'


The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.


Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:


'Good trade.'