How to deal with telemarketers

[Keith Webb]

As just sent to me:

"The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling. The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.
I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time."

[DaveCox]

We have an ex-directory telephone number, and have signed up to service that should remove our number from all the lists used by these people.
I either demand to speak to the manager/supervisor and rip them a new a**hole for phoning us in the first place and demand that they remove our number from their list, or if they disturb a meal I just tell them to f**k off.

I did let one of them speak - trying to sell us a conservatory. Told them they wouldn't be able to fit one to our property. The woman was so insistent that I made an appointment for the agent to call - boy was he pissed when he found out they'd sent him to a first floor appartment!!!! LMAO.

[Bob Potter]

I was browsing around here for new military postings and found this. I love it. So much in fact that I posted on the faculty room bulletin board.

I had an unannounced administrative observation right after I found it. The class went well and I had a few minutes to kill, so I read it out loud. The kids roared; the vice-principal was even amused.

I may still have a job next year . . . .

Thanks for sharing this very useful idea; I wish I had it last night when one called me.

Bob Potter

[Snowtractor]

The past while I have been cutting them off and saying " listen,I am a consultant and get paid $200.00 and hour with a 4 hour minimum, are you authorising payment?" It is hilarious the reactions, stuttering and saying stuff like " I can't afford that...'' or " I'll have to ask my manager" or they just hang up. Either way, they go away and don't call back.
Sean

Funny part is , I did do consulting for my company and they charged about 200 an hour for my time if not more with flights and per diem figured in. Its just I never saw the 200 per hour myself, so I can say so over the phone very convincingly.

[Keith Webb]

As sent to me - you'll need an answering machine but apparently it works. Here's the link.

[Ian Pullen]

My wife was on an afternoon shift from 2-11 pm which left me looking after our girls (both under 5). I had just set them down to dinner when the phone rang & his name was something with about 12 syllables and rather foreign sounding...... I asked him to wait & I would get right back. I proceded to feed the girls & asked him to wait a little further.
I ran their bath and let them go through their pre-bath routine before I returned to the phone & thanked him for his patience.
I bathed the girls and got them ready for bed. By this stage I thought he might have hung up but no..... I apologised and again thanked him for his patience. To be honest I was really impressed that he had lasted this long.
I then read the girls a story put them to bed before returning to the phone and politely saying that I wasn't interested but I did admire his patience before hanging up.
That was over three months ago & I haven't one ring back since.

[sapper740]

When I get a foreign sounding , usually Indo-something, telemarketer, I ask them their name. When they respond, "Bob.", I ask them their real name. It's usually Mullabar Rimjob, or Sanjay Bagshit, or Achmed Phlegmwad or something similar. I then tell them that since the N.S.A. is now monitoring overseas calls from third world countries, I will not accept any phone calls unless they originate in a Western country. Further, I tell them that I've logged this call and will be reporting it to the F.C.C., since I am on the Federal "No Call List" and that they can expect a fine.
Or sometimes I just tell them to "F*** Off!"

[Keith Webb]

It's usually Mullabar Rimjob, or Sanjay Bagshit, or Achmed Phlegmwad or something similar.

Very creative naming! Perhaps the thing to do when they ask: "Is that Mr. So and So" would be to reply (in your best Peter Sellers accent) "No, this is Hrundi V. Bakshi" or use one of the above magnificent concoctions.

[Max Hedges]

I hung up on one telemarket call and she rang me back because the call was disconnected, boy did she cop it. I'll try some of your ideas next time.

Kathy

[Keith Webb]

How's your Peter Sellers impersonation, Kathy?

[Rod Diery]

Earlier this year I had a bunch of friends around to help me celebrate my 50th birthday. About 7.00 pm the phone rang. I answered it quite excitedly thinking it would be some distant family wishing me a happy birthday, etc, etc.

WRONG!!!!!!! It was some Indian bloke offering me a really good deal on Viagra. I can't repeat here what was said but I have been assured that my side of the phone conversation was very entertaining to my guests. It did involve me suggesting some excellent and innovative uses for Viagra if I ever met the telemarketer in person.

Cheers
Rod