Some Funnies

[motto (RIP)]

Superman had an appointment with the Police Chief in the Metropolis and was a bit late. The Chief commented on it saying that Superman was usually dead on time and that it must have been something important that delayed him.
Superman went on to explain that he had been flying across country when he saw Wonder Woman lying on a river bank flat on her back, stark naked and looking like she was ready for anything so he dropped down and jumped on for a little 'afternoon delight'.
The Chief said,"I bet that gave her a surprise', to which Superman replied, 'Not as much as the surprise I gave the Invisible Man!'


Apologies if this has appeared here previously, I can't remember where I got it from but recently told it to a couple of middle aged female friends discussing Marvel super heroes and they thought it was absolutely hilarious.

David

[aj.lec]

Retirement

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's "sexual advisor."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fu%#ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

[colin jones]

Joe Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Avenue Road houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Rosedale ."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center Mall."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Don Valley Ravine.

The nurse is just blown away by all this , and as Doug slips away, she says ,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the asshole had a paper route!"

[motto (RIP)]

Got this in an email today.
The teacher asked the class to write down on a piece of paper the type of work the daddy did.
The children very excitedly scribbled their answers.
One by one, the teacher asked each child to stand and describe the job.
There was much laughter and screaming, that is apart from little Tommy.
'Tommy, why do you look so sad?' asked the teacher.
Tommy slowly rose to his feet and replied, 'My Dad's a stripper in a gay bar.' The other children remained silent as Tommy continued. 'Sometimes he doesn't come home and my Mummy sits crying. Sometimes he sells his body for other men's pleasure.' There were gasps around the classroom.
The teacher acted quickly and dismissed the children, telling them to go out and play.
She then walked up to little Tommy, put her arm around his shoulders and asked, 'Is all that true, Tommy?'
'No, not at all, Miss. He really plays cricket for England but I was too embarrassed to say.'

[Little Jo]

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

Cheers

Tony

[Little Jo]

The Latrine Holding Tank Is Full
(Thule Greenland)

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes seven more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?

Cheers

Tony

[colin jones]

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in Grade 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.....

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? 'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F..... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time.'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiiit'.

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.